


when the only home you've known becomes ashes

by sinkie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, But that's really rough anyway, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Fluff elements, Heavy Angst, M/M, Romantic Soulmates, a lot of crying, or maybe ambiguous, the ending may seem both happy and sad to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26649814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinkie/pseuds/sinkie
Summary: Soulmate world was not as perfect as it seemed. Having a destined lover never guaranteed eternal happiness to anyone.Still, for some who had a supportive partner by their side overcoming difficulties was always easy and painless. But what if you were rejected by the people who were supposed to be your lifelong beloved ones?
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Comments: 30
Kudos: 67





	1. alive, feeling alone

**Author's Note:**

> hi !!
> 
> read my fic at your own risk because it's going to be very very very angsty, trust me  
> but if you're here for suffering, welcome!!!!!! hope you'll enjoy it!

Jisung and Minho knew each other for as long as they could remember.

Meeting your soulmate in an early age was an extremely rare occasion, yet they were lucky enough to come across each other during their childhood. They'd become inseparable since then.

Their relationship was too perfect even for this world, where people could build up practically flawless connections between one another. Jisung and Minho learnt to feel each other on so many levels that no-one around them was able to comprehend how their bond worked, while two boys were peacefully living in their own world, not letting anyone even peek through.

And yet, they couldn't live in paradise forever. Call it whatever appeals to you: fate or reasonable consequences, everything had changed.

"Ugh," Jisung groaned, leaning onto the back of the sofa, exhausted, "It's itching like hell. Again," Han raised his weak arm for Minho, who turned around on the rolly chair, to see. Boys were trying to prepare for the test in their shared apartment, but that thing kept distracting them for quite some time now.

"I know, Sungie..." Minho looked away, pursing his lips. "Mine hurts, too."

"I don't understand..." Jisung whined, slipping his fingers through his already messy hair. "Why do we need it?"

"We have already discussed it-"

"I know! But..." Jisung shifted, straightening his posture. "Why the hell would we need another person? Everything's fine without them."

The sound of the clock's ticking filled the silence, as Minho didn't answer Jisung, feeling afraid to even meet Han's eyes.

"You won't get away with this today," Jisung warned his boyfriend before standing up and coming up to him. Han sat on his haunches in front of Lee, taking Minho's hands in his. "Something's been bothering you for days. I see it clearly. What's wrong?"

"Sungie..." Minho's tone was somewhat apologetic, which made Jisung nervous.

"We never had secrets, and now you're hiding. For the first time," Han kept prying. He had to get to the truth.

"It's just...I..." Minho sighed, looking his boyfriend in the eyes for a brief moment. "I don't understand why you...hate the idea of having someone else around so much..."

"What?" Jisung tensed up, and Minho felt it as Han squeezed his hands tighter than before.

"I mean, we both got those new identical soulmate marks, so..."

Han pulled away, standing up and looking at Lee with disbelief. "What are you even talking about?"

"We'll have to accept them anyway, either you like it or not," Minho uttered firmly, his expression changing from soft to serious.

"But you...we...we both agreed that we don't need anyone else," Jisung mumbled. "How can you say that?"

"Jisung-"

"You hated this mark as much as I did when it first appeared! How dare you-"

"JISUNG!" Minho had to raise his voice to shut Jisung down.

"D-did you just...yell at me?" Han's eyes widened, and he stared at Minho, shocked. "You see how this shit affects us already?" Jisung continued with wavering voice, while Minho kept avoiding his gaze. Boys had never argued before. Ever. But since the second soulmate mark appeared on their wrists all of a sudden, things started to get worse and worse.

"I think you're overreacting." It was hard for Han to read his boyfriend's expression this time, but Minho's tone revealed he was upset, too, just like Jisung was. Still, Han couldn't believe Lee was really saying all this.

"I'll go for a walk."

"Jisung..." Minho tried to stop Han, but he dashed out of their bedroom, the slam of the door following him. "Ah, what should I do?" Minho put his head on the table, his notebook getting wet with hot tears.

The hall was empty as all the students had already entered their classrooms. Hyunjin overslept today, so he was running fast not to be too late for his lecture. The professor may have not let him in after all.

Turning to the corner, Hyunjin didn't even consider that someone else may be walking in the hall at this time. That's why he bumped on someone, making the other person fall. Hyunjin almost toppled over him, but managed to catch the balance at the very last moment. He took a look at someone who was now sitting on the floor, shocked. Seo Changbin, the senior who had mentored Hyunjin's group one year ago.

"God, hyung, I'm so sorry," Hyunjin apologized, reaching his hand out to the older to help him get up. Changbin gladly used this opportunity and stood up, shaking the dust off his pants.

"Late again, Hwang? Something always stays the same," he said jokingly, and Hyunjin winced.

"I just...just overslept," he mumbled, eyeing Changbin with his red eyes.

"How come?" Changbin gave him a judging look, shaking his head.

"I...couldn't fall alseep for long because of my mark," Hyunjin sighed.

"Oh?"

"Yeah...it itched so bad last night that I barely got any sleep. And now it hurts. I don't even know how I'm going to concentrate on the lecture," the boy exhaled hopelessly.

"But that's a good sign at least," Changbin tried to reassure the younger.

"What do you mean?" Hyunjin furrowed his brows.

"You dont know?!" The senior raised his eyebrows in surprise, and when Hyunjin tilted his head, resembling a curious puppy, Changbin proceeded, "It means you're about to meet your soulmate soon."

"Meet?!" Hwang's eyes widened comically. "Damn, I'm not ready," Hyunjin giggled, making Changbin smile. "How do you know that, though? Have you met your soulmate already?"

"I...uh-"

"Oh! Sorry! It was too insensitive to ask something like that," Hyunjin faltered.

"It's okay, don't worry. So...what's that lecture you're late for?" Changbin asked, changing the topic.

"Phylosophy," Hyunjin gave Changbin a strained exaggerated smile, which made the older laugh.

"Aren't you late for 15 minutes already?"

"I guess it's twenty- Wait..." Hyunjin closed his eyes dramatically, "He won't let me in, right?"

"He won't let you in, right," Changbin chuckled, and Hyunjin produced unintelligible whiny sounds. "Wanna go get coffee?" Seo suggested, so Hyunjin lifted his head to look at him.

"Don't you have any lectures?"

"Nope, I'm done for today," Changbin smiled while Hyunjin growled.

"Lucky. Let's go then!"

"Hyunjin?" Changbin's voice snapped Hyunjin out of his thoughts. Hwang seemed to forget about the senior's presence completely, digging deep into himself.

He surveyed their surroundings, trying to focus on what was going in the the small coffee shop they went in.

"Yeah?"

"What coffee would you like?" Changbin seemed a bit worried at first, but now his expression changed back to neutral, reminding Hyunjin of the last year. Seo was the epitome of serenity: he never panicked, never raised his voice, never hurried, never laughed too much. And it was quite difficult to stay sane when you had to mentor a group of nasty freshmen who were new to the university life. However, Changbin excelled at his position, and Hyunjin respected him for it.

"Just latte, I guess. You?" Hyunjin asked in fact out of courtesy, as he didn't even hear what Changbin answered. Hyunjin had become quite withdrawn recently. Not that it caused him many problems, no. He rarely communicated with people, he didn't have friends, he didn't live with his family, so there was no one to judge Hwang for his scattered mind. But he didn't feel guilty for being unfocused next to Changbin either. The older was always patient with him. Hyunjin wasn't some sort of an exception, though. It was just in Changbin's nature to be polite, understanding and stable. Hwang wondered why.

After their orders were served, they chose the neatest place in the cafe, as it was almost empty (everyone was either at work or studying at this time of the day), and sat down by the table facing each other.

"What's on your mind?" Changbin showed interest, but it didn't sound like he was pressuring Hyunjin to speak up thanks to Changbin's calming tone.

"I don't really know...there's such a...chaos. I have no clue how to sort this all out," Hyunjin sipped some coffee from his cup, but decided to wait a bit longer before drinking it again as it was still hot.

"Hm-m," Changbin hummed, trying to think of a solution. "But what caused this chaos?"

"Well...everything was fine some time ago. I mean...not that fine, but...everything was the same," Hyunjin pursed his lips, thinking. "All I was worried about was university studies, bills, my work, and...that's pretty much it. But since this mark has reminded me of itself, my head is in a constant overdrive," Hyunjin stopped, but Changbin kept his mouth shut, knowing that Hwang wasn't done yet. "I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about it. I've never been that interested in how all this soulmate thing works, but...I looked some shit up on the Internet," Changbin giggled at that. "No-o, don't laugh at me!"

"Sorry, sorry," Seo smiled faintly. "Go on."

"All the forums said I'm supposed to feel enthusiastic and excited about meeting my soulmate..."

"And you feel..?" Changbin narrowed his eyes, smile fading away from his face.

"Doomed," Hyunjin uttered, lowering his head, suddenly feeling too exposed in front of his hyung. "I feel emptier than before...To be honest, I dreamt of meeting my soulmate and finally finding a reason to live. I hoped that my loneliness would come to an end," the younger's voice wavered. "But somehow I feel even more lonely now."

Something broke deep down inside of Changbin just because of seeing Hyunjin like this, but Seo was straightforward as always, "I don't want to make you feel even worse, but...Those are bad symptoms. You should be careful, Hyunjinnie," concern was obvious in Changbin's voice.

"Huh?" Hyunjin snapped his head to look at Changbin, "So it's not common to feel that way?"

"No," Changbin shook his head. "Promise you'll come to me if something bad happens."

"Hyung, you're scaring me," Hyunjin furrowed his brows in dismay.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," Changbin ducked his head, but then lifted it again, looking Hyunjin directly in the eyes. "I just want you to know that I'm by your side if you need help."

"Why?" Hyunjin was confused. Nobody ever cared about him.

"Because I'm worried about you. And I know how hard all of this may be," Changbin said firmly, still tranquil, and when Hyunjin opened his mouth to say something else, the older continued, "I think it's time to go. Or you'll be late again."

Hyunjin checked the time on his phone, cursing slightly and then grabbing his cup with a bit cooled down coffee. "See you later, hyung!" He stood up, collecting his other belongings and leaving hurriedly.

"Bye, Hyunjinnie." Changbin sipped on the warm liquid, looking through the window. April was as beautiful as ever. Changbin wished he cared.

The lecture went fine, actually. Hyunjin even answered the professor's question and managed to make some notes, his mark not disturbing him anymore. Hyunjin was light-headed, though, his vision becoming blurry after he exited the classroom with some other students.

Hyunjin swayed, feeling unstable, suddenly losing control of his limbs. He stumbled on his own foot when tried to make a step forward, so he leaned on the wall in order to balance himself. However, everything in front of the boy wavered, the sounds became profound, as if he had dived under water. He distinctly heard his pulse pound in his temples.

Sliding down the wall, he felt immensely weak, his eyelids suddenly weighing too much to keep the eyes opened. Somebody crouched down in front of Hyunjin, but he was already losing his consciousness to interact.

And then everything was black.

The slam of the front door returned Minho back to the reality. After Jisung had left, Lee just couldn't concentrate on his notes, so he lay down on the bed, letting his mind wander from one topic to another.

Jisung stepped into the bedroom, eyeing Minho with guilty expression. He obviously wanted to say something, but hesitated. Minho kept silent as well. He was too tired to even turn his head in Jisung's direction.

"Hyung..." Jisung finally gave up. He only called Minho that way when he did something wrong and felt bad for it. "Hyung, don't hate me."

"What are you even..." Minho mumbled, frowning just a little, eyes still fixed on the ceiling. "You know I don't...and never will."

"Sorry..." Jisung lowered his head, expecting Minho to answer something, but Lee gave no reply. "I see you're mad! You're not answering!" Jisung whined.

"I'm so tired, Sungie..." Minho's voice was barely audible, which alarmed Han.

"Are you sick, honey?" He quickly jumped up to Minho, touching his forehead to check the temperature of his body.

"I dunno...just...just wanna sleep..." Minho muttered, closing his eyes and falling into slumber. Jisung pulled away, still a bit agitated. He found the brown fluffy plaid (Minho's favourite one) and wrapped it around his boyfriend's frame. Lee seemed tiny somehow, and Jisung almost cooed at him, but then noticed a small frown on his face again.

It wasn't the first time Minho complained about his tiredness. Jisung wondered what caused Lee to become that exhausted. They seemed to have similar workloads at university. They slept the same amount of hours. They ate the same food. Basically, both of them had the same regimen of the day, so Jisung didn't know what to think.

A strange thought flashed through his mind, when he lay down next to Minho, looking at his soft features. What if that "extra" soulmate mark was the root of the problem? Jisung was affected by its occasional surprises as well, such as stinging pain or itchiness, but Minho suffered more. Much more, and he tried to hide it from Han, but Jisung wasn't stupid. He knew his boyfriend like the back of his hand, so he was sure something really bad was happening right in front of him.

Though, Jisung couldn't discern what exactly, and it was slowly killing him on the inside. He wasn't used to living like that at all. The chemistry between him and Minho used to be extraordinary, even cosmical. They used to be something else.

And now their connection seemed to fade away. Han tried his best to hold onto it not to let it go. But it was inevitably slipping through his fingers just like water. He glanced at Minho's face again. Jisung loved this man with every particle of his soul, with his whole heart, he would risk it all for him. And he would never let anyone else be with Minho except for himself. Minho was Jisung's boyfriend. Jisung's soulmate. And Han didn't care about some stupid fate that decided they needed one more person.

He had his own vision of fate to believe in. There, Minho belonged to him, and he belonged to Minho, not the other way around. Jisung even thought he may have become obsessed, but he didn't care. He wouldn't let anyone even breathe in Lee's direction.

Jisung fell asleep next to his boyfriend, nuzzling to his side.

The first thing Hyunjin saw when he opened his eyes was the white ceiling with crumbled stucco and fluorescent lamps, one of which was flickering annoyingly from time to time. He tried to get up, but felt dizzy again, just like when he was exiting the classroom. Right. He left the classroom, and then what? Did he pass out in the hall? That was so strange. Hyunjin was never that type of person who would faint for no special reason. Well, at least he wasn't sick...or something.

"You regained consciousness? Nice! I can finally leave," a familiar boy (probably Chanhee, if Hyunjin remembered correctly) spoke up.

"Wait," Hyunjin stopped him when he had already got up from the adjacent bunk. Chanhee jerked his head and looked at Hyunjin with curiosity. "What happened?"

"Oh, you just...blacked out in the hallway, so...me and Seokwoo brought you here. You're heavier than you look, did you know that?" Chanhee was talking quite fast, so Hyunjin head to focus on the other student's words.

"Ugh...thanks...for helping me, I guess," Hyunjin frowned. He got it himself that somebody brought him here. But what exactly lead to him losing consciousness?

"I'll go tell the nurse you woke up. She must be on the lunch break or something," Chanhee finished the conversation and left the medical post.

The lamp flickered again, making Hyunjin toss his head up. Usually it would irritate him, just like any other person, but right now he didn't care. He started listing all the possible reasons why his body acted so weirdly recently and everytime Hyunjin thought of something new, it inevitably came down to his soulmate mark which, by the way, made him wake up in the first place, starting to hurt.

The nurse hurriedly entered the room, looking at Hyunjin a tad dramatically. Their eyes met, and Hyunjin quirked an eyebrow at the elderly lady, whose behaviour made him feel uneasy.

"Poor boy," she mumbled, shaking her head slowly, so Hwang frowned even more than before.

"Why did I faint?" He couldn't wait any longer. He needed a coherent explanation.

"I want to ask you something," the woman came up to Hyunjin, sitting down on the opposite bed, where Chanhee was waiting for him to regain consciousness a few minutes ago. "Have you been checked at the soulmate centre recently?"

There was a lump in Hyunjin's throat, so he had to swallow before answering, "No, I haven't." So he was right: this was all because of his marking.

"Then you don't know..." The nurse's voice got quieter.

"Don't know what?" Hyunjin wanted her to answer right away, but still was patient and polite.

"Listen, I'm not a professional in this area, you should actually go see your soulmate specialist, but...I'm a medical worker, so I know the basic symptoms of rejection..."

"Rejection?" That term was new to Hyunjin regarding the topic of soulmates, but its initial meaning made him worry in advance.

"Yes..." The lady looked guilty for sharing bad news with Hyunjin. "It all points to the signs of your soulmate denying the connection between you two-"

"Three."

"What?"

"When I last visited the specialist they told me thay my mark is doubled," Hyunjin lowered his head, trying to comprehend the situation. "Does that...does that mean that...both of them are rejecting me?" He looked at the nurse, something unreadable flickering in his eyes.

"I'm not sure...but...if you have two soulmates...then the affect of both of them rejecting you could have been even fatal," she concluded, and Hyunjin's eyes widened in shock. He could even die? Was he even ready for it? "So my guess is that only one of them has turned against you."

"Okay..." Hyunjin pursed his lips, averting his gaze. "Thank you."

"Not at all," the nurse's features softened. "You better visit a specialist. And please be careful. That's very serious. There are some pills that may prevent you from feeling sick, but you need a prescription."

"Thank you," Hyunjin felt his limbs ache. He would definitely cry his heart out at home. "I think I'll go now."

When Minho woke up from his lengthy nap, the sun rays were gently caressing his face. Lee smiled, switching into the sitting position, still wrapped with plaid. He felt strangely contented for the first time in a long while. Nothing was bothering him at the moment. He didn't feel like he was waging wars on the inside anymore. Minho hoped it would last more than just for a few minutes.

As he glanced to the side, he saw Jisung still snorting slightly into the pillow. After all, this boy was Minho's light in the darkness. Lee couldn't imagine living without his little Jisungie, however his recent behaviour caused Minho lots of pain, both mental and physical. All the thoughts turned into a tangled ball, and his body was drained almost all the time. And Lee didn't know how to talk Jisung into accepting another person in their relationship. Maybe Han would like them more once they finally meet?

"Wake up, sleepy head," Minho nudged the younger with his hand, receiving an unintelligible mumbling in reply. "C'mon, baby. We have stuff to do."

"I wanna slee-eep," Jisung prolonged the last word in a whiny manner, his eyes still half-lidded.

"You always say tha-"

"C'mon, Minho," Jisung stretched out his arm, wapping it around his boyfriend to make him lie down next to Jisung again. Han buried his face in Lee's chest, hugging him.

Minho couldn't help, but smile at the sight in front of him. His Jisungie was so cute when needy, so Minho usually gave up and kept lying next to him, embracing his thin frame. "You're unbearable."

"You still love me," Jisung's voice was muffled.

"I do, but we anyway have to make dinner and finish preparing for the tests," Minho reasoned, and Jisung couldn't argue with that.

They hugged each other, sharing warmth, for a few more minutes. They'd been together for ages, but it never seemed to be enough. Boys never got tired of each other, even when they bickered or had small fights.

Minho got an alarming feeling suddenly. "What are you thinking, baby?"

"Figured me out again," Jisung sighed, and Minho giggled. "I just...thought that...I wouldn't be able to live without you," Jisung choked on the last words.

Lee repositioned himself so that he could take Han's face in his hands, "I'm not going anywhere, Sungie. What are those thoughts?"

"It's like...a bad feeling? It seems like something awful will happen soon," Jisung answered, and Minho studied his face worriedly.

"Let's just hope it's a bad feeling, yeah?" Minho asked, looking Jisung right in the eyes, and when the younger nodded Lee pecked his lips, making Jisung smile.

They finally got up and submerged into their usual domestic routine.

Attending a specialist was never a part of Hyunjin's plan. He never really cared about his health, and it never actually disturbed him. Yeah, the nurse's words about possible lethal effect scared him. Kind of. But once he exited the university and headed home, reconsidering his intentions again, he firmly decided to deal with it himself.

It wasn't the first time for Hyunjin to cure himself without anyone's help, so he was sure he'll be fine. The most important thing was that nobody cared about him. Hyunjin was on his own, so no one had to worry about him. And he was doing pretty good. Great, actually. Yeah.

He entered his cold apartment, throwing the keys on the small dresser next to the front door.

Hyunjin didn't felt lonely usually. He got used to existing like this, without any living soul by his side to comfort him. Hwang sometimes dreamed about getting a dog at least, but then remembered he wouldn't be able to walk it as he had to study or work all the time, not really staying at home much.

Classes during the second year seemed much easier to him, so he didn't need the same amount of time to accomplish his assignments. Therefore, Hyunjin started to feel bored, his nasty thoughts getting him, their freezing fingers wrapping around his throat. In order to not let them suffocate him, Hyunjin increased his working hours.

Still, he strongly believed he was happy. He was perfectly capable of blocking his trail of thoughts when needed, so if at least a minor destructive idea tried to get into his head, Hyunjin would turn off thinking and concentrate on anything else to keep distracted. Of course he was happy.

Happy. Fine. Great. _Whatever._ He kept repeating those words like mantra every day to deceive himself.

However, knowing that his soulmate was rejecting him was hard to block out. And what if both of them actually denied his existence? Had they already met? Or would all three of them meet at the same time? Hyunjin knew nothing about it, and he didn't have anyone to ask about it. Well...he had Changbin?

No. Definitely not. They weren't even friends, and if the older was nice to Hyunjin it didn't mean that he would bear with Hwang. Was that right? Hyunjin wasn't sure. He didn't want to give himself a false hope, but at the same time knew he wouldn't be disappointed if Changbin wouldn't like to be friends with him anyway.

Hyunjin had stopped looking for any kinds of relationships, including friendship, long time ago. Nobody ever stayed around Hyunjin for more than a few months, so the fact that Changbin still remembered his name, or liked his posts in social media, or even talked to Hwang in person, amazed Hyunjin. He couldn't understand why it was happening.

Still, the realization of people who were destined to be Hyunjin's lifetime lovers hating on him before they even had a chance to meet did strange things to him. The wall of bottled-up and repressed emotions seemed to crack bit by bit, and Hyunjin would be terrified if it collapsed for real. He couldn't imagine the scale of catastrophe he'd have to manage all by himself. Hyunjin wasn't even sure he'd be able to survive a tsunami of feelings washing over him.

Probably he indeed had to do something with it. Maybe even gain courage and ask Changbin for help.

The longest pause between lectures had started a few minutes ago, so most of the students fled to the canteen to get lunch. Hyunjin just stayed next to the hallway's window sill nearby the classroom where the next class was going to take place. Hwang's digestion seemed to be ruined just like his sleeping schedule recently, thus he barely ate anything at all during the day.

Hyunjin noticed a familiar figure, approaching him from afar, and couldn't help but beam, "Hyung!"

"Hyunjinnie!" Changbin smiled in reply, greeting the boy that way. "How are you? I heard you fainted yesterday."

Hyunjin growled, "How come? Who else knows?" He didn't like to draw attention, he was still mad at himself for losing consciousness. Hyunjin should've taken a rest...or something.

"Don't worry, Seokwoo told me," Changbin waved his hand, meaning there was nothing to be afraid of. When Hyunjin sighed with relief and nodded to himself, Changbin spoke up again, "I am worried, though."

The younger frowned, confused, "What about?"

"About you."

"Me?!" Hyunjin raised his eyebrows, not expecting it.

"Yeah. Why are you so surprised?" Changbin's tone was calm as usual. Hyunjin wondered if Seo was always like that.

"But I'm fine," Hyunjin protested firmly as if Changbin was saying absurd things.

"Are you for real?" The senior gasped. "You literally fainted-"

"Well," Hyunjin cut him off, "That happens...I guess."

"Not when you're fine, though," Changbin stated, becoming even more concerned, as Hyunjin lowered his head hopelessly.

"Don't do that, hyung," Hwang whispered, his voice barely audible, but flash of pain obvious in his tone.

"Do what?"

"Remind me," Hyunjin still avoided an eye contact.

"Of what, Hyunjinnie? I don't understand," Changbin tried to get a better look of the younger's face to discern his emotions.

"You don't need it, hyung," Hyunjin's chest heaved more intensely now. He made sure his blonde fringe covered the half of his face. 

"Hyunjin," Changbin made a step forward, taking the boy's hand in his own, which caused Hwang to lift his head and look Seo in the eyes with questioning expression. "I don't get what's going on with you, but I clearly see it's destroying you." Hyunjin averted his gaze one more time, but let Changbin keep talking, "That's why I wanna be around you. I wanna help. Don't push me away."

The frown deepened on Hwang's face. He remembered the last year again. The time when he got close to Changbin to be precise. Seo had evoked those emotions which Hwang had been hiding for many years, and Hyunjin had felt like he could have broken down back then.

It was happening again now, like deja vu. He knew he could trust Changbin, he knew his hyung would never let him down and give Hyunjin's secrets away, but something was stopping him.

"Please," Changbin begged one more time, and Hyunjin gave up. The crack in his wall seemed to grow wider and wider, capturing the whole surface. The barrier was gradually falling apart.

A single tear escaped Hyunjin's eye, which made Changbin coo at him. The older drew Hwang closer to him, embracing his wilting frame. Changbin, due to his height, could place his chin on Hyunjin's shoulder. The latter hugged his hyung back. He couldn't help giggling at how cute and small Changbin looked compared to Hyunjin.

And Seo smiled contently, knowing he made Hwang feel at least a little bit better.

Last week was quite...contradictory for Minho and Jisung. Not many things happened, they were just leading their normal lives, but at the same time everything was much more complicated than they both wanted it to be.

On the one hand, Minho seemed to get better. He was more energised than before, even attended some of the lectures. Jisung was as supportive as always, providing his boyfriend with love and care. At first sight their routine kept being comfortable and domestic, but...

On the other hand, they both knew something unpleasant was going to happen at any time soon. Not just something. The overwhelming premonition that was weighing over them, slowly suffocating both Minho and Jisung, was directly connected with the awaiting of their soulmate. It felt like there was a ticking time bomb somewhere near them: they could hear the counting, but didn't know when it was about to go off exactly.

It was obvious that their lives were going to change completely after meeting their destined lover. They were spending all the time penting stress up, feeling so tense, their heads were blasting with severe pain.

Still, Minho and Jisung acted cool, as if they didn't know both of them started suffering from insomnia recently. They became more reserved, closing up in themselves, and not really sharing anything anymore. Boys were okay with it at that point, as no one wanted to talk much. However, there was a day when Jisung's secretiveness made Minho feel greatly anxious.

They seemed to be running out of products, so it was the time to finally go grocery shopping. Minho thought of doing it together, hoping to get closer again, but, as ill luck would have it, Lee felt sick and was running a temperature, so Jisung reassured Minho that he'd manage it on his own.

"I'm not a little boy!" Jisung exclaimed, and Minho chuckled, leaving his boyfriend without a kiss not to infect him.

Han returned all fidgety and empty-handed in half an hour, scaring the shit out of Minho. Jisung's gaze darted around the room frantically, his hands were shaking. If Minho saw him like that on the streets, he would think the boy was for real crazy.

"Honey, what the hell happened to you?" Minho examined Jisung, trying to look him in the eyes, but the younger just shook his head not letting Lee do so.

Minho tried to keep Jisung in place, by holding his arms, but Han was breaking out of Lee's grip, excusing himself.

"I...I was running, I'm...all sweating. Don't touch me. I'm gonna go shower," Jisung mumbled, dashing to the bathroom and locking himself up there.

Even after washing himself, Jisung refused to give Minho an intelligible answer, coming up with utterly ludicrous justifications, like "the shop wasn't working". Minho got so frustrated, he started to cry.

"Why are you lying?" He sobbed. "What happened to you? What is your problem?!" Hot tears were running down Minho's cheeks, the boy sniffling. Jisung looked guilty, but didn't even spare Minho a glance.

After staring at droopy Jisung, who wasn't moving, Lee thought he would lose it all. A bolt of pain flashed through his heart, so Minho grabbed it, hoping to ease the ache. It didn't help, though. Jisung seemed to notice that his boyfriend was struggling, so Han tried to approach Minho, but Lee stopped him.

"Stay...where you are..." Minho whispered, his head lowered. He was obviously in a lot of pain, his heart was shattered to many pieces. "I don't wanna see you right now," he said and turned around, disappearing in the bedroom.

Jisung hated himself for that.

Opening up to Changbin wasn't that easy, Hyunjin had to admitted.

Even though they had had better relationship a year ago, now it was difficult to rebuild it. But it had been Changbin who had closed up back then. Seo would not greet Hyunjin from time to time or would forget about their agreements, so Hwang decided Changbin didn't need him anymore. And Hyunjin was fine with it, really. He was used to being thrown away after the other person got bored, so it was easy to accept the older's estrangement.

That was why rebounding with Changbin seemed like a slippery slope to Hyunjin. He expected Seo to dump him once again like it had already happened in the past.

Well, actually, Changbin didn't go away completely. He was always around Hyunjin, making small talks and stuff, but never as close as he used to be. So it made Hwang wonder what caused that shift in attitude towards him, and he really wanted to ask. However, decided to wait. Decided to find out about Seo's intentions more. After all he had to meet his own soulmate one day. Would he need Hyunjin after it? What if he was just a temporary replacement?

Nevertheless, they did improve their friendship for quite a short period of time. Boys started texting each other more and meeting during pauses in university. Hyunjin even visited Changbin's apartment already and was looking forward to showing Seo his own place. Thus, one evening Changbin visited Hyunjin's to study together.

After learning material and doing some homework for several hours Changbin started nodding off. As it turned out, Seo had had to wake up early today to attend the council's meeting before lectures, so he hadn't really slept much.

Hyunjin couldn't help but spare the older some glances. Seo was extremely cute with a bit puffy eyes of his and a small frown between his brows which appeared every time Changbin tried his best to not fall asleep and carry on reading. But that wasn't the only thing Hwang had noticed: he noted that Changbin looked immensely exhausted. Letting him go home on his own in such condition would be a crime.

"Hyung," Hyunjin called for him, so Changbin looked up from his book, trying to concentrate on the younger, "You look so tired...I thought...maybe you wanna stay the night? I have a...a sofa, and...it's totally fine if you disagree! I-"

"Okay," Changbin smiled timidly but happily, still sleepy. "I'd love to stay. Thank you for suggesting."

"Oh!" Hyunjin got flustered suddenly, "O-okay, great!" He turned around abruptly and proceeded writing something down in his copybook, making Changbin giggle.

Changbin woke up when when the sky outside was still dark. He shifted as something digged into his cheek. He observed the item: a pen, and also there were his books and a pencil case. He must have fallen asleep.

Wait. Was he covered with a blanket? But Changbin didn't...was it Hyunjin? Damn. Changbin fell asleep on Hwang's bed, and now the younger probably had to go to the sofa. Then suddenly Seo heard a quiet sigh where the desk was situated, so he turned around to see what it was.

Hyunjin was still up, doing his homework. But what time was it? Changbin stretched his arm to reach the smartphone. 3:17 am. What was Hyunjin even thinking?

"Hey," Changbin sat on the bed, still wrapped in a blanket, as he didn't want the watmth to go away. Hyunjin snapped his head in Changbin's direction. "Why-"

"Why have you woken up? Did I wake you?" Hyunjin asked worriedly, looking quite sleepy.

"No, I...Hyunjin..." Changbin furrowed his brows, "Why are you up? You should sleep." Hyunjin lowered his head, avoiding looking Changbin in the eyes. "Is that...your mark again?"

Hyunjin winced, but answered nonetheless, "No, not really." He sighed, scratching his head, "I just can't sleep these days, and I've been getting migraines."

"Why?"

"I wish I knew why...Maybe...that's my soulmates' fault," Hyunjin squirmed, still staring into the floor.

"Soulmate..." Changbin took his time to think. Normally pre-soulmate-meeting effect didn't have such destructive symptomps. Hyunjin wasn't telling him something. "But you should at least rest. I mean...just lay down, stretch you back, close your eyes."

"I dunno..." The younger pouted cutely, and Changbin smiled.

"Come here," Changbin suggested, putting his books away from the bed and tapping the place right besides him. Hyunjin seemed hesitant at first but then got up, approaching Seo.

Once Hyunjin sat on the bed, Changbin wrapped his arms around the other boy, making both of them fall, covering them with blanket. Hwang widened his eyes in shock, not expecting Seo do something like this, but then burst into giggles after Changbin chuckled.

"Close your eyes," Changbin sugested again, whispering this time. Hyunjin did as he was told, snuggling up to the older's side. Changbin hugged Hyunjin tightly, pressing his cheek to Hwang's crown with outgrown brown roots.

Surprisingly, Seo heard light snores in a few minutes. He checked up on Hyunjin: the boy indeed fell asleep. Changbin hummed contentedly. Now he could let himself fall into slumber as well.

Waking up pressed to someone's warm body was definitely not something Hyunjin was used to. But something he could get attached to pretty quickly. He almost started to panick, trying to free himself from Changbin's embrace when the latter opened his eyes, focusing on the fidgety boy in front of him.

"Where do you get all that energy from so early in the morning?" Changbin's voice was hoarse after sleep and Hyunjin died just a little. Seo was making him feel weird things Hyunjin wasn't supposed to feel. Changbin still had his own soulmate, while Hyunjin had two, even though there was a risk of them rejecting him.

"I...aren't we late?" Hyunjin tried to hide his nervousness by changing the topic. Changbin reached to his phone, showing Hyunjin the screen. They even had enough time to have breakfast and take a shower before setting out to university. "Okay, but...we still should get up." Changbin just nodded mutely, and boys started to get ready.

Hyunjin and Changbin had an agreement to meet in between their lectures. Neither of them had people to spend time with. Well, technically, Seo had loads of them, being a part of the student council, but he wasn't particularly interested in any of them, as he explained to Hyunjin.

"You're interested in me then?" Hyunjin asked slowly, trying to comprehend the fact that Changbin was into hanging out together.

"Of course, I am. I thought we already settled on that," Changbin grinned brightly and Hyunjin gave him a coy smile in return. Nasty thoughts stopped bugging Hyunjin completely when he was around Seo, so the only thing Hwang could focus on was how beautiful Changbin's beaming expression looked like and how comfortable Hyunjin felt next to him.

Their last meeting didn't go well, though. When Changbin approached Hyunjin, the latter was pale as if he was whitewashed, his eyes foggy. He barely managed to balance on his shaky legs, holding tightly onto the window's sill.

"Hyunjin?" Changbin ran up to the younger the moment he noticed Hwang's weakened posture. "What's wrong?"

"I dunno..." He mumbled quietly, "I feel so...tired...like I...can fall...fall asleep at any time." Hyunjin's eyes fluttered. It was difficult to keep them opened.

"I'm taking you to the nurse. Hold onto me."

"Aish, you didn't get better at all," the nurse shook his head, examining Hyunjin who was lying down on the bed, Changbin standing behind the lady's back, "Did you see the doctor?"

"The doctor?" Changbin intervened, clearly concerned. "Why would he? What's going on?" Changbin knew for sure that something was off with Hyunjin's state, but...doctor?

"Oh," the nurse whispered after seeing Hyunjin wince. She must have understood she had said something Hyunjin didn't want Changbin to know. "It's not my place to tell you..." She got up, leaving Hyunjin to rest and dragging Changbin some distance from the other boy. "Are you friends?" She asked, her voice low and head tilted to the side. Changbin nodded. "Take care of him...he seems to ignore his condition, and...it may lead to negative consequences, we don't want that, right?" Changbin nodded again. "Okay...you should take him home, actually...I'll write a note for your professors."

"Thank you," Changbin whispered and eyed exhausted Hyunjin from afar.

The walk to Hyunjin's home went practically silent. The latter was still weak, stumbling a few times on his own feet. He had his arm around Changbin's shoulders not to fall.

"If I knew something like this could happen, I'd take my car here," Changbin spoke up, feeling a bit awkward after some time without talking.

Hyunjin lifted his head slowly, looking at Changbin, "You have a car?" His voice was hushed, but the surprised tone obvious.

"Yeah, got it last year to be able to visit my mum in the outskirts," Changbin tightened his grip on Hyunjin's hand to keep the boy stable.

"Oh...you still visit her?" Hyunjin's speech was slowed down.

"Yep, on the weekends." Changbin turned his head to the side, looking Hyunjin in the face, "How's your family doing, by the way?"

Hyunjin winced at the reminder of his relatives. They split up because of one huge quarrel many years ago, and Changbin knew it. Hyunjin told him last year. "I don't know...we still don't talk..."

"I see..."

"I'm good on my own, though," Hyunjin tried to reassure Changbin. Or himself.

Seo chuckled, "You have me now."

"Do I really?" Hwang muttered.

"You do. What's that question?" Changbin raised his eyebrows, feigning offence.

"Just making sure," Hyunjin cut him off, smiling innocently.

"Okay," Changbin beamed in reply.

After taking Hyunjin home Changbin didn't really know what to do. Should he have taken care of him? Or was it better to leave him alone?

"Hey, um..." Hyunjin's voice pierced the silence. He had been sitting on the sofa, but now was trying to stand up.

"Hey, hey, hey," Changbin ran up to him, making him relax. "What are you doing?"

"I...was going to make us some tea?" Hyunjin was hesitant now.

"No, you just...have a rest, okay?" Changbin asked and Hyunjin nodded. "I'm gonna go make it if you want."

"Okay."

"And then we'll talk," Seo's tone was firm and confident. He was deermined to find out more about Hyunjin's condition.

"I...yeah. Guess we should," Hyunjin lowered his head, and Changbin left for kitchen.

When Changbin was almost done and ready to carry two steaming cups to the bedroom, Hyunjin entered the kitchen on shaky legs, wrapped in thin plaid.

"Why would you stand up?" Changbin was concerned.

"I'm not dying, relax...just thought it would be better to talk here," Hyunjin concluded and plumped onto the chair. Changbin sat in front of him.

"I'm glad to hear you're not dying," Seo started, and Hyunjin chuckled, "But what's going on with you?"

Hyunjin sighed, not looking the older in the eyes. "Apparently, I'm rejected by my soulmates...and-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Changbin frowned. "You said...soulmates?"

"Ah, yeah...I didn't tell you..." Hyunjin stretched his arm for Changbin to inspect the two unique lines circling the younger's wrist, "I have two of them. But they don't need me," Hyunjin choked on the last words.

"Why do you think so?" Changbin got very serious, yet gently caressing Hyunjin's swollen wrist. It looked like it caused the boy lots of pain.

"The nurse...when I fainted...she told me the symptoms are similar to something like that," Hyunjin sipped on his tea carefully to hide his embarrassment.

"Have you seen the doctor, though?"

"No...I'm...afraid," Hyunjin stared into his cup.

"But you should-"

"Let's not..." Hyunjin raised his voice, making a pause right after it. Changbin's breath hitched, "Not talk about this, okay? Not right now at least...I'm not ready, hyung. I understand everything, but...I can't..."

"It's fine, Hyunjinnie. I won't push you," Changbin reached for Hyunjin's hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

Stop worrying about Hyunjin seemed impossible to Changbin at that point. Seo wanted to protect the boy from the cruelty of this world, wanted to surround him with love and support, but the younger was difficult to approach.

Yet, Changbin could bet Hyunjin was warming up to him, more eagerly leaning to Changbin's touch, smiling at the older brighter, spending more time with him. Even now Changbin was walking towards the 24-hour shop they agreed to meet around to go for a walk in the nearest park.

The mood was upbeat, Changbin's strides were energetic, the sun was shining brightly. What could possibly spoil that wonderful day? Hyunjin texted him a few minutes ago, saying he was almost done shopping, so Changbin had to wait for him outside. 

While approaching the shop, Seo noticed a wilted fugure, sitting on the curb, the guy's face hidden in his palms. His shoulders were shuddering. Was he crying? Changbin felt so sorry for that boy, he decided to ask him what was wrong. Maybe he could help. But that shirt...It seemed so familiar.And those old dusty green converses...Oh, god.

The moment it occurred to Changbin how stupid he was not recognizing Hyunjin immediately, he started running.

"Hyunjin?! What the hell happened?!" Changbin's eyes were darting around the younger's red tearful face.

"I met h-him," Hyunjin sobbed, the corners of his mouth curving, "Th-they r-really don't n-need me-e," he started crying with new force.

"Who? You met who? Oh, god, you're shaking," Changbin was rambling, panick capturing his mind gradually, "Let's go. Let's go home, Hyunjinnie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading till the end of the chapter!
> 
> please leave a comment!! this fic is really difficult to work on as it drains me emotionally, like...it's super heavy, i cried a few times while discussing it with my friend (she cried as well :D)  
> so i hope to gain some motivation from you!!
> 
> what are your thoughts?? let me know!


	2. feeling alone with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// panic attack (not too graphic though)

Hyunjin felt hesitant.

He couldn't understand why Changbin would spend so much time around him, proving that he actually loved being next to the younger. Nonsense. Hyunjin couldn't help but feel that Seo would get rid of him soon. Why would he need such a silly when he had so many other friends and, especially, a soulmate?

That was what bothered Hyunjin the most. Why would Changbin get so close to Hwang when he knew Hyunjin had two soulmates to meet and Seo had one himself? Yeah, Hyunjin could've just asked...

But could he really? 

Changbin seemed extremely secretive about this topic for some reason. That was why Hyunjin was afraid to find out about Seo's soulmate. 

It felt like he would invade something personal, something he wasn't supposed to know. But Changbin knew a lot about Hyunjin. So wouldn't it be fair to share that?

Some time ago Hyunjin would brush something like that off, thinking he'd be able to manage it when the other person betrayed him. But now everything was different. He found himself longing for Changbin when the older wasn't around for too long. Hyunjin couldn't resist hugging him, talking to him, going for walks with him. And it was driving Hwang crazy.

Yet, they were going to meet once again today for a picnic in the park. Hyunjin got more relaxed. He thought that at least he could enjoy those moments with Changbin for a while. Maybe he wouldn't leave Hyunjin's side after meeting his own destined lover? The tiny sparkle of hope kept flickering in Hyunjin's heart, making it ache from time to time.

_23 april (3:15 pm)_

changbin hyung:  
i'm omw

you:  
good!  
i'm almost done shopping   
if you come earlier just wait for me outside 

changbin hyung:  
okay!

Hyunjin was about to send Changbin a heart emoji when he bumped into someone. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" Hyunjin asked timidly, watching the person in front of him. It was a boy around Hyunjin's age. He was wearing a yellow hoodie, his head was covered with hood, but when he turned around in Hwang's direction slowly, Hyunjin could see his brown messy fringe fall on his forehead.

When Hyunjin locked eyes with the stranger he felt like a heat wave stroke his whole body, his marking lighting up slightly and itching more than ever. The pair of hazel eyes opposite of him widened in fear. The boy took a step back, bolting out of the shop the next second. 

"Wait!" Hyunjin shouted, his heart beating frantically inside his chest. He chased after that guy, catching him only at the parking lot, grabbing his wrist. Hyunjin took a look at it. The mark was shimmering with the same dusky blue light, just like Hyunjin's. What's more, there was another line, circling the guy's wrist. This boy was definitely Hwang's soulmate.

Hyunjin opened his mouth to say something, but the other guy cut him off, harshness lacing his tone, "Listen here," he started menacingly, "Neither me, nor Minho need you. We've been together since forever and you're just...a mistake." Hyunjin faltered, letting go of the guy's arm. "Don't you dare approach me. Do me a soulmate favour and vanish," he spat, sparing Hyunjin a glance full of distaste. The boy turned around on his heels and left hurriedly. 

What...

What had just happened? Hyunjin stared into the pavement, sensing the vigorous pulse in his temples, feeling empty. His legs felt so weak, he sat on the curb. His chest was billowing rapidly, hands shaking. Hyunjin's soulmates didn't need him. It wasn't an assumption anymore, wasn't just a symptom. It was a reality. They wanted Hyunjin to disappear. 

If only they knew for how long he'd been dreaming about it himself. Hyunjin slipped his fingers through his blonde locks, tugging on them harshly. 

He was alone. He was truly alone, and even Changbin wouldn't need him after something like that. First hot tears ran down his cheeks, and Hyunjin broke down afterwards. He started sobbing, not caring what people around him might have thought. 

A few minutes passed, and everything was in a blur. Hyunjin couldn't stop crying, thinking he gave himself a panick attack. His whole body was shaking now, his heart was aching, the soulmate mark adding more to it. Hyunjin thought it could explode at any moment, that was how bad it hurt. He wanted to die. He never felt so engrossed and left out. His body never tortured him like that. What was he even living for?

"-the hell happened?" Hyunjin's ears were plugged up as if he was underwater, still he discerned a familiar voice. He tried to look up, focusing on the face in front of him. It was Changbin. 

"I met h-him," Hyunjin sobbed, the corners of his mouth curving. It was very difficult for him to talk at the moment, yet he tried. "Th-they r-really don't n-need me-e," he started crying with new force.

"Who? You met w-" Hyunjin had a trouble hearing what the older was saying, sobbing loudly. "-shaking." His ears were ringing."-go home, Hyun-"

Hyunjin felt Changbin's strong arms wrap around his own frame, lifting him up on his shaky legs. The older managed to get Hyunjin on his arms, carrying him bridal style. Hwang hid his face in the crook of Changbin's neck, slowly passing away. 

When Jisung and Minho thought their life couldn't get any worse, it became an unmitigated disaster. Han tried to make up for his boyfriend after stupidly excusing himself, but Minho shut down completely, holding a grudge against him. Lee demanded a coherent explanation, but Jisung decided he couldn't share something like that with Minho.

Once Minho found out about Jisung's meeting their soulmate, he would definitely want to meet him as soon as possible. And Han couldn't let that happen. He understood perfectly well that Minho would fall apart if he realized Jisung had lied to him, but there was a snowball effect. The ball was rolling down the hill, becoming bigger and bigger in size, and there was no way to stop it at this point as its speed became frantic. That way, Han wasn't able to reveal the truth to Minho. If he did, Lee would be mad at him and devastated. And if he kept hiding it, Minho would find out eventually sooner or later.

But no matter how haughty Minho behaved, he still missed Jisung and he still lay down in bed with him each and every night. Han knew Minho would give up and treat Jisung the same way as before. They just needed time. But did they really posses such a treasure?

"I..." Minho spoke to Jisung for the first time in a few days. Han was doing his homework by the desk, so he had to turn around on his chair to face Minho. "I...ran out of meds, and..." Lee paused. He seemed to regret starting a conversation.

"You want me to get you some more?" Jisung asked nonchalantly, trying to hide the triumphant feeling that was bubbling inside of him. 

Minho winced slightly at Han's indifference. "No, I...need to go the doctor's again to get the-the prescription..."

Narrowing his eyes, Jisung scooted closer to Minho, "And?" Han knew it wasn't something Minho wanted to discuss. Lee was just getting ready to say something else.

"I miss you," Minho exhaled hopelessly, lowering his head, shoulders shuddering. Jisung stood up, closing the distance between himself and Minho, leaving mere inches amid them. Lee swallowed hard, his breath hitching. He looked directly at Jisung's lips, and even though it lasted only a few seconds, Han noticed it. He leaned in, putting a hand on Minho's cheek, and kissed his boyfriend as gently as possible. Minho whimpered, shivering slightly, and wrapped his arms around Jisung's waist. Han pulled away, hand still cupping his boyfriend's cheek, and pressed their foreheads together. "I missed you, too," he whispered, kissing Minho one more time eagerly. "I love you." 

Lee moaned into Jisung's mouth, clutching his sweater tighter, "I love you, too, Sungie," he said, his voice wavering. "I love you so much."

Hyunjin didn't remember how they got home. When he regained consciousness he eyed the surroundings. He was lying on his bed in his own room. Hyunjin heard the clink of the glass, coming presumably from kitchen. 

Changing into the sitting position, Hyunjin stared at the wall in front of him. He felt drained, his eyes ached, his throat was dry. 

Then he suddenly remembered all that had happened probably not more than an hour ago. He was indeed abandoned. Hyunjin tried to slow his breathing down, but it seemed impossible, tears already streaming from his eyes. He sniffled miserably. 

At the same moment Changbin entered the room, holding a glass of water in his hand. "Oh, no, no, no, Hyunjinnie," he ran up to bed, placing the glass on the bedside table before sitting down next to the younger. "Don't cry, I brought you water."

Ignoring Changbin's words, Hyunjin leaned onto him, burying his face in Seo's chest, gripping his hoodie and mewling softly with sorrow. The older drew Hyunjin closer to hug him tighter and started rubbing Hwang's back. 

They stayed in such position for a few more minutes, until Changbin's gentle patting didn't calm Hyunjin down a little. When the younger pulled away Changbin took a moment, examining his face. Tears were still falling from his eyes, so Changbin tenderly wiped them away with his finertips, his expression fond but concerned. Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, feeling his hest tighten. Why was life so cruel to him? Why couldn't Changbin, this caring, delicate senior, be his soulmate? Was Hyunjin really supposed to suffer like that? 

"Hyu-yung," Hyunjin sobbed, his lips twisting. "They're right...f-for hating me," he lowered his head, whimpering, "I d-don't deserve t-to be loved."

"What are you talking about?" Changbin mumbled. "Of course you do, Jinnie," he took Hyunjin's hands in his rubbing them with his thumbs.

"Then why...why w-would they l-leave me-e?" Hyunjin's face was a tearful mess again, so Changbin moved closer to him, looking the younger in the eyes. 

"I don't know, Jinnie. But that's not your fault, you hear me?" Seo pried, but Hyunjin shook his head, so Changbin had to cup Hwang's face to make him stop. "You're the most precious person I know and you deserve the best loving soulmate."

It was hard to believe it, however Changbin sounded so sure and convincing. Still, when Hyunjin gazed him right in the eyes, he remembered Seo wouldn't always be by his side. "Don't say that." Hyunjin was exhausted and empty. 

"Why? Why do you keep pushing me away?"

"Why?" Hyunjin frowned, looking at Changbin with disbelief, "You ask me why?" Hwang's tone turned bitter. "Won't you leave me once you meet your soulmate?"

Those words made Changbin falter, and Hyunjin thought he got it right at first, guessing Seo's real intentions, but then Changbin spoke up, his voice hardly audible, "I've already met my soulmate."

Hyunjin stared at Changbin with shoked expression, opening and closing his mouth, trying to process what Changbin had just said. "Then...then why do you-"

"But he's gone," Changbin's voice was firmer this time. Seo locked eyes with Hyunjin, "Do you-do you remember Seungmin?"

"Seung...Seungmin-hyung?" Hyunjin's heart was beating fast. He did remember Seungmin. He was around Changbin's age and mentored another group a year ago, too, but not for long. He just disappeared once, but Hyunjin didn't care much. He thought Seungmin-hyung just moved or dropped out. "I...I do...Was he...?"

"He...He was my soulmate," Changbin answered, a single tear falling down from his eye. He wiped it out hurriedly. "He d-died in a car accident a...a year ago. We've been dating for...for five years...I never told anyone, e-except for my mother." A few more tears made wet paths on his cheeks and Changbin rubbed on them, "Sorry."

"Hyung..." Hyunjin couldn't believe his ears, but everything started to make sense now. Changbin's faded mark, his distancing from Hyunjin exactly a year ago, his promises to stay by Hwang's side. Changbin was just as lonely as Hyunjin himself, but even more hurt. He had had a relationship with a person he loved and then lost him. Hyunjin couldn't imagine how broken Changbin had felt back then. Couldn't comprehend how he managed to move on by that very day. Changbin was so, so strong.

Hyunjin wrapped his arms aroung Changbin's shoulders, "I'm so sorry, hyung. I'm so, so sorry," Hwang choked on his words, feeling very bad for the older.

"It's fine, Hyunjinnie," Changbin pulled away, still rubbing his eyes, "I'm...it's been a year...I...feel a bit better now." He gave Hyunjin a wry smile, trying to reassure him, but Hwang saw the flicker of disruptive pain in Seo's eyes.

"I can't even imagine how much you had to suffer," Hyunjin whispered. 

Changbin pursed his lips into a thin line, "My mother and my therapist helped me a lot, actually...If it wasn't for my mum, I probably wouldn't be here." Hyunjin's heart contracted when he thought of not having Changbin around. What would Hyunjin even do without him? He understood how dependent he became on Changbin, and how much he actually treasured him.

"You have me now, too," Hyunjin exclaimed, looking Seo into the eyes. 

Changbin lifted his gaze, giving Hyunjin one more smile, happier this time but still faint, barely visible. "Thank you, Jinnie, but...Can you, please, promise me something?"

"Yeah?" Hyunjin gulped. 

"Please, go to the doctor's, I'm begging you. I don't wanna lose you, too," Changbin sounded a tad desperate, but Hyunjin didn't care. 

"I promise, hyung. I will, I promise." 

_'You want lose me, don't worry'_ , Hyunjin thought. _'I'll make you happy.'_

It was insufferable to keep avoiding Jisung. Minho was so used to clinging onto his boyfriend and being next to each other almost every minute, he was ready to give it all up at any moment. 

That was why he actually did give up. He was still sad and offended. He really wanted Jisung to share what was on his mind, what made him so anxious that day he'd returned empty-handed from the store. But Minho just sensed that it wasn't the case where Han would spill eventually. He was always stronger than Minho. It was probably difficult for him to refrain from touching Lee all the time, but not as torturous as for Minho himself. He was still too weak to not sleep in the same bed with Jisung, leaning to his side, yet not saying a word.

Even the strange illness got Minho, not Jisung. Lee just knew he was pathetic and submissive. He couldn't even object to Han's protests about their third soulmate. 

Actually, Minho wanted to meet them more and more with every day. He didn't even know who that would be, though he had a feeling that could be a boy. Minho wondered what was their personality and appearance like. Was he waiting for Minho and Jisung? Was he affected by the illness as bad as Lee? Minho hoped they did well. He wished all the best for them. 

The only problem stayed Jisung's nonacceptance. Minho hoped that Han would fall for their soulmate once he meets them and the trouble would dissipate on its own. But that was so naive of Lee to believe in it.

Concerning Minho's state, the aches came in waves. Sometimes it hurt more and exhausted him so much, he almost lost his consciousness. But sometimes everything was fine as if he never felt bad at all.

Minho felt the same way it the moment, deciding to skip the appointment with his doctor, but since he and Jisung sort of reconciled, Han insisted on Minho's not cancelling the therapy session.

"It's for your own good," Jisung tried convince him. "Moreover, you said you needed a new prescription, so go!"

"I don't know...I'm gonna skip my lectures again. I have so much to keep up with...I can't imagine how I'm going to handle it," Minho sighed. He loved studying and enjoyed leading a social life, communicating with professors and groupmates, but nothing worked out like he had initially planned.

"Did you think again of...of...dropping out this year?" Jisung asked carefully.

Minho snapped his head, wanting to protest, but then stopped himself. If anything, he wasn't getting that better, and the amount of material and homeworks he had missed was tremendous. Besides, he wouldn't really lose much if he dropped out. At least he'd be in the same group as Jisung next year, as Han finished school earlier. "Well, actually...can you...find out the details in the deanery tomorrow?"

"Of course! And you promise to go to the doctor's tomorrow."

"I promise."

The scurry in the soulmate centre wasn't something one could see there often. Minho wondered what it all was about when he got shoved for several times in a hall wide enough to not bump into other people. The general tense atmosphere made him agitated, but he tried to brush his worries off, moving straight towards the waiting room. 

Maybe coming eralier than usual was a mistake as once he plumped onto the chair, the fuss seemed to die down. But it probably wasn't Minho's day anyway as his mark started to itch. Lee even thought he saw a faint blue-ish light coming from it, so he just shook his head, thinking he was delusional. 

Having nothing to do while waiting, Minho decided to look around. There were two little kids playing quietly in the corner. They seemed to have a peculiar bond, which Lee noticed after watching them for a few minutes. They reminded Minho of him and Jisung when they were little. Lee smiled contentedly, reminiscing about the old days. They, as kids, had no clue what was happening to them and why their parents made such a big deal of their identical marks. It was nice being naive and to not care about anything. Minho wished he could turn back time.

In front of him there was a teen girl. She had a dejected expression on her face, rubbing her wrist vigorously. Minho knew how she felt. He mentally wished her luck. To him it was heartbreaking to see someone struggling so bad. 

Then there was a young guy who had entered the room only a few secods ago. Minho turned his attention to the new face and something struck him. The boy seemed utterly beautiful to him, Minho almost lost his breath. He couldn't tear his eyes from him. That guy was talking on the phone and while he passed by Minho, sitting down next to him, Minho froze in his place. He was feeling overwhelmed, his marking causing him a lot of pain. Minho pulled up the sleeve of his red cardigan, gasping. The mark was gleaming. The same way it had been glowing when he'd met Jisung.

"Ah, hyung, wait. My mark started to ache out of nowhere," Minho heard the boy say. Lee turned his head in his direction to look at him. The boy eyed his wrist carefully, and Minho swore he saw a blue light. "Hyung...hyung it's shining again. I...what...what?!" The boy asked someone he was talking to, gazing around anxiously, finally locking eyes with Minho. _'Is he really our soulmate? Am not I dreaming?'_ Lee thought.

"Hyung, I'm gonna call you later," The boy mumbled, still looking Minho in the eyes. Suddenly he got up abruptly, trying to run away, but Lee had sharp reflexes, so he caught the boy, grabbing his arm.

"Where are you going?!" Minho exclaimed. Why did his soulmate want to run away? Did he reject the existence of Minho and Jisung, too? Was Minho suffering because of him?

"What's all that for?" The boy asked, exhausted, tossing his head. "Don't you hate me, too?"

"Wh-what?" Minho stuttered. "What d-do you mean? We've never even met."

The boy narrowed his eyes suspiciously, "Like that another guy said," he stated and Minho frowned in cofusion. "You're Minho?"

Lee's eyes widened, "How do you know? Wait...what another guy? Ji-Jisung?"

The boy tried to shake Minho's hand off, so Lee let him go. "I don't know his name. Just...brown hair, big brown eyes, yellow hoodie, groundless hatred towards me..." The guy listed. "Does it describe him?"

"Yeah...listen," Minho urged forward to take the boy's hand, but the latter twitched, not letting him do so. "I don't hate you."

"Then why did he-"

"Lee Minho-ssi, you may come in," the secretary's voice cut the boy off.

"Ah, I need to go. Give me your phone," Minho demanded. 

"What...?"

"I'll text myself, so I have your number. We really need to talk," Minho looked at him with pleading eyes, so the boy handed Lee his phone.

"Lee Minho-ssi."

"I'm coming! Here," Minho returned the phone to his owner. "I'll text you later!" And so Lee entered his doctor's office all fidgety and energised.

After Minho came home, he couldn't unyat his frantic heartbeat. His head was bursting with so many thoughts, he wished he could turn off thinking, but that wasn't possible. 

The problem was, Jisung didn't just lie to Minho. Han hid the fact that he'd already met their soulmate. Deep down Minho sensed what could have caused Jisung to behave scattered, however now, when Lee knew the reason of his boyfriend's secretivness for sure, he felt utterly devastated.

It struck Minho that his naive dreams about Jisung's changing his mind after meeting the soulmate were completely baseless and pathetic. Why did he even think Jisung would be accepting. Han made it clear that he didn't need anyone who wasn't Minho and, what was more, he wouldn't let anyone who wasn't him be wth Minho. That drove Lee crazy. He started already craving for their soulmate's company. How could Jisung resist it? Did he really hate the idea of having that boy around so much. Minho really wanted to see that boy again, but he didn't even know his name.

Wait. He didn't even ask the boy's name. Stupid Minho. Luckily Minho had his number. 

_30 april (10:23 am)_

you:  
it's lee minho

_30 april (2:45 pm)_

you:  
hi! sorry for bothering you again  
but i didn't even ask your name

Okay. One problem would be solved once that boy answered. But Minho was still alone at home. Alone with his thoughts. He needed comfort so much right now. If only Jisung would come earlier from the university... However, Minho wasn't even sure if he could behave as usual with Han at that moment and return the affection. 

Surprisingly, Minho wasn't mad at all. He didn't feel angry, not even disappointed. He was probably too tired for such strong emotions. Besides, he actually expected Jisung to do something like that, even though it didn't feel right to Minho.

Minho was almost ready to give in completely. He didn't know where his life was going, feeling kind of doomed. Days turned grey and dusky, he couldn't imagine what his future would be like. Everything was blurry and scary out there, like a night pine forest swallowed by the mist during autumn. Each time Minho tried to think of the impending days of his and Jisung's, the fear crept down spine. So, Minho was lost.

Completely lost and terrified. He needed someone to reassure him, to say that everything would be fine. And Jisung couldn't do that. Han wasn't even okay with their fate. 

Minho lay down on the bed, depleted, and fell into the grim, morbid slumber.

When Hyunjin stepped out of the soulmate clinic he saw Changbin lean on his car, already waiting for him. Warm and fuzzy feeling spread across Hyunjin's chest. He felt himself needed, almost significant. 

"Hi," Hyunjin greeted Seo timidly.

Changbin looked up from his phone, beaming immediately, "Hey, how was it?"

"Let's go home and talk there," Hyunjin sugested. He was still confused after everything that had happened, so he needed some time of silence to sort his thoughts out before telling Changbin something.

"Okay, let's go then."

"So...tell me everything," Changbin encouraged Hyunjin to start when they sat on the younger's bed cross-legged, facing each other.

"I met my other soulmate, and...that's strange, but...he didn't seem like he hated me. Quite the opposite, actually," Hyunjin looked Changbin in the eyes, frowning, "He wanted to get my number..."

"Oh, so...the other guy...lied to you?" Changbin furrowed his brows as well.

"I guess," Hyunjin sighed, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt.

"What the hell is going on there?" Changbin mumbled, looking away. "Well...okay...but what did the doctor say?"

"I've been tested, so I need to wait for the results and visit the hospital again, but...everything's alright...yet," Hyunjin started rubbing on his arm absent-mindedly, so Changbin took Hwang's hand in his.

"Okay, I'm glad then," Changbin gave him a small smile, when Hyunjin's phone buzzed. He reached for it to check who texted him, thinking it was just an email spam or something, but he mistook.

"It's him," Hyunjin stared at the screen.

"Who?"

"The soulmate I met today."

"Answer him," Changbin nudged Hyunjin.

_30 april (10:23 am)_

unknown number:  
it's lee minho

_30 april (2:45 pm)_

unknown number:  
hi! sorry for bothering you again  
but i didn't even ask your name

you:  
oh  
i'm hwang hyunjin

unknown number:  
i'm so glad to finally meet you!

you:  
really?

unknown number:  
why are you so unsure  
wait  
jisung  
what did he tell you?

you:  
that you both don't need me  
and that i'm a mistake

unknown number:  
gosh..  
i'm so sorry for him

you:  
don't be  
it's not your fault   
i guess  
but didn't he tell you he'd met me?

unknown number:  
no  
you see..  
it's complicated   
are you up to meet somewhere?  
to talk everything out?  
but don't tell jisung

you:  
well...technically i can't do that 

unknown number:  
right   
sorry   
i'm just so scattered recently

you:  
stop saying sorry!  
and if you want you can come to my place tomorrow after 1pm

unknown number:  
okay!

you:  
_'location attached'_  
here's the adress  
apartment 44

unknown number:  
thanks  
see you!

"I can't believe my soulmate wants to see me," Hyunjin shook his head. "I got so used to the idea of their hating me, it all feels...i don't know...surreal."

"You deserve it," Changbin squeezed Hyunjin's hand, "You deserve a caring soulmate. I really hope you'll sort that problem out. And I'll be with you until you're not okay with me being around," Changbin finished, his voice becoming smaller by the end of the sentence. 

"Hyung, what are you talking about? I'll always need you!" Hyunjin urged forward, hugging Changbin and hiding his face in Changbin's neck. "I would never want you to leave, you're too important for me," Hyunjin whispered. 

Changbin lifted his hand, carefully patting Hyunjin's head, "I don't want you to leave, either."

"I won't, I promise," Hyunjin pushed Chagbin forward, so they fell on the bed, lying next to each other. 

They kept snuggling and talking about something insignificant, enjoying each other's company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! i hope you're having a great day! 
> 
> i couldn't wait to share a new chapter with you, but i didn't want it to be too short, so i had to take my time to write (it's still shorter than the first one....well),  
> but i was writing every day since i last posted because i got very very motivated by your kudos and comments (i've never got 2 on the first chapter before!!!),  
> so thank you for your feedback! 
> 
> and i hope you'll leave a comment under this chapter as well! i tried to do well so you could enjoy the update!
> 
> and also a question should have i warned you about mentions of death in the beginning  
> i mean...the most important tag is a major character death, so....it doesn't really make sense, but idk actually 
> 
> and also a question not regarding this work  
> do you like minbin and would you read it if i wrote a whole story dedicated to them only?
> 
> and also akdllz here's my twt @ksinkinsink  
> you can text me anytime to ask about the fic or just talk about skz (or about anything else), i don't bite!


	3. with you, without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw// kind of suicidal thoughts, but they are veiled

Something lit up inside of Minho after he received the message with the location from Hyunjin. _Minho finally found one more of his soulmates._ He still couldn't believe it, but he was excited to see the boy again.

Pressing the phone to his chest, Minho smiled widely, not being able to prevent the corners of his mouth from curving. Minho bit his lip. He hadn't felt that happy and alive for quite some time. Coming across Hyunin breathed life into Lee. He got more energised and even refreshed. 

But Jisung was going to return home at any moment, so Minho had to hide his joy, even though it seemed nearly impossible. If Han decided to pry, Minho would probably give in, so he'd better come up with something convincing as he intended to visit Hyunjin tomorrow. 

The sound of the opening door pierced the silence, so Minho jumped up from the bed, his hands trembling slightly. He heard his heartbeat distinctly in his ears. Minho gulped, trying to calm down. He had to lie to Jisung right now. _'It's for his own sake,'_ Minho thought.

Stepping out of the bedroom was scary, but, luckily for Minho, Jisung's back was turned on Lee, so he had some more time to pull himself together. Han heard the footsteps though, so he looked around, locking eyes with Minho. Lee gasped discreetly as Jisung looked incredibly worn out, his eyebags bigger than usual. It looked like he barely managed to keep his eyes open. Still, he spoke up, "Oh, hi, babe. How was your appointment?" Jisung was hardly opening his mouth, speaking very slowly. 

Minho frowned, but tried to answer enthusiastically, "It was good, actually, but..."

"Yeah? What?" Jisung put his jacket on the hanger, approaching Minho sluggishly.

"I-I need to go there again tomorrow. I had to get tested for uh...some stuff, but...the doctor I needed to see had a da-day off, yeah," Minho jabbered, fiddling with his fingers. 

It was probably difficult for Jisung to comprehend everything Minho had said due to his fast pace. Han's head was tilted and his brows were furrowed. "Okay," he nodded, "Go get tested. And I'll go to sleep." He bypassed Minho, moving towards the bedroom, but then stopped halfway right when Minho sighed with relief. "Oh, by the way..."

"Y-yeah?"

"I talked to the dean 'bout the sabbatical year," Jisung smiled wryly, "They said it's fine. You just need to sign the documents. They're in my bag. Good night for now."

"But it's three in the-"

"Good night," Jisung mumbled, disappearing behind the bedroom door.

Minho closed his eyes for a moment, evening his breath. Jisung didn't suspect anything. _Lee would see Hyunjin again tomorrow and even talk to him._ Lee hugged himself, smiling contentedly. He wanted to scream because of happiness, but he had to be discreet. 

Minho decided to join Jisung in the bedroom for a cuddling session, finding the younger already asleep in a funny pose. What a cute child he was.

Being confident about meeting Hyunjin when Minho was at home was one thing. Standing next to Hwang's porch, having to ring the bell and actually _seeing_ him, was another thing. Completely different. 

All Minho's courage evaporated once he got closer to Hyunjin's house, however Lee was still curious to get to know the boy better, so he pressed the "four" button twice and waited until Hyunjin let him in.

The door opened in a few minutes, Hyunjin peeking through it, "Hi." He was wearing the fluffy slippers, a pair of black sweatpants and a yellow oversized t-shirt. "Come in." Minho just nodded and silently followed Hyunjin to the apartment door.

Once they stepped into the flat, Minho smelled something nice, like flowers and bakery, sense of coziness making his limbs tingle.

"Just take your shoes and jacket off here and go wash you're hands. Here's the bathroom. I have to finish something in the kitchen," Hyunjin instructed Minho and disappeared in, presumably, kitchen.

After Minho did all he had been told to, he entered the kitchen, eyeing the room. It was very neat, like the rest of the flat Minho managed to catch a glimpse of. Everything was on its right place, Hyunjin seemed to be organized and tidy.

"I hope you're okay with um...a cheesecake and some herbal tea?" Hyunjin looked very awkward, but so cute at the same time, it amused Minho. "I should've probably asked what you like, but..."

Minho smiled warmly, approaching Hyunjin, "You didn't have to do all that in the first place, honey." Hyunjin twitched at the petname, but Minho seemed not to notice. "And I'm okay with that. Thank you for that."

Hyunjin finally ventured to look Minho in the eyes. They kept studying each other's faces out of pure curiosity for a few moments, but then Hwang coughed awkwardly to shoo the embarrassment away, "So, uh- let's sit down."

The table was already served, Hyunjin just poured Minho some tea and helped him with the cake, the latter thanking Hwang for it once again.

"How old are you?" Hyunjin blurted, breaking the silence, and Minho almost choked on his food, not expecting Hwang to speak up. "You know, just to...know how to address you."

"I'm 22," Minho answered, sipping on the tea.

"Oh, so you're my hyung." Minho seemed to be close to choking again. "Is that okay if I call you so? I can just sa-"

"It's fine," Minho reassured him, smiling, a cup of tea still in his hands. "But what about you?"

"I'm 21. It was my birthday in March," Hyunjin tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. His hair was in a small cute ponytail, but the length was too short to keep all the strands in.

"So you were born in 2000! Just like Jisungie!" Minho exclaimed, but then shrank into himself. "Sorry...whenever I remember about him, I just..."

"It's okay. I understand," Hyunjin lowered his head to look at his half-finished cheesecake. "I remember him saying something like...you two being together for a long time, or..."

"Yes, that's true. We've met when we were little kids," Minho nodded. Hyunjin's eyebrows rose up in surprise, and Lee smiled, "Yeah...it's been a long time indeed. Still, it doesn't make you any less valid."

Hyunjin narrowed his eyes at Minho, trying to come up with something to say. "Why the two of you reacted so differently?"

"To be honest, I wasn't fond of meeting you at first, too," Minho started, but when a flash of hurt touched Hyunjin's features, Lee continued, "But now I am! I'm happy to be here. It was a few years ago. I was stupid and...Jisung and I tried to fool the fate somehow." Minho averted his gaze as it was hard to look Hyunjin in the eyes while saying all that. "I understand we were wrong back then...but Jisung...he doesn't. He still believes we don't need you. We got used to each other and he got...possessive."

"But I'm not stealing you from him," Hyuniin protested, leaning on the table with one of his elbows.

"I understand that! But Jisung..." Minho faltered.

"What are we gonna do?" Hyunjin lifted his gaze to meet Minho's eyes. Lee saw hope, flickering in the boy's eyes, so he wanted to reassure Hyunjin, to promise him that everything would be alright.

"I'm thinking about it. There's nothing you can do. It all depends on me, so I...I'll try to come up with something..." Minho's shoulders were slumped and he exhaled hopelessly, his breath hitching a tad. He wanted the relationship between the three of them be fine and healthy, but had no idea how to improve them.

"Hyung," Hyunjin drew Minho's attention, "Please, don't think that you're alone in it, okay? I'm here now...if you need something," Hyunjin lowered his head, feeling shy. "If it gets too unbearable, you can come to me."

Minho reached to Hyunjin's hand that was resting on the table to squeeze it, "Thank you so much," Lee smiled happily. He was so lucky to have Hyunjin. He was so understanding and not mad at all about the situation. "Tell me about yourself now, please."

On his way home Minho couldn't stop thinking about Hyunjin and everything Lee found out about the boy. It was heartbreaking for Minho to know that all that time when he and Jisung were enjoying each other's companies, rejecting Hyunjin, the younger felt lost and insignificant. He didn't have neither friends, nor support from his parents. The boy was abandoned and lonely before he met Changbin and that was a tremendous period of time.

Minho felt so sorry for ever denying Hyunjin's existence. Lee wanted to make it up for him now, to compensate Hyunjin on being left out. Minho hoped the younger would let him do that. 

And also Minho wanted to meet Changbin. Hyunjin got very fond while talking about his hyung, so Minho wanted to see the person who made Hwang happy while his soulmates failed to do so. 

Maybe from now on things would get a little bit better.

After Minho had left Hyunjin remained motionless in the kitchen. He was sitting by the table, eyeing the dirty dishes. For some reason Hyunjin felt the urge to take Minho's cup in his hands, which he did. The boy traced the edge of the cup with his fingertip, sighing heavily.

He longed for Minho. Lee was here just a few minutes ago, but Hyunjin wanted to see him again. That was ridiculous. He felt pathetic. They didn't even have enough time to get to know each other to the extent of longing, yet Hyunjin's heart ached. He winced.

It was really strange, but Minho made him feel warm already. Maybe even loved or at least needed. Minho was immersed in Hyunjin's talk about himself and kept reacting and asking different questions to find out even more details. 

The only person who cared that much about Hyunjin was Changbin. And both Lee and Seo appeared in Hyunjin's life at the same moment, so Hwang felt overwhelmed now. He was used to coping with his problems on his own, he never needed other people's warmth, but now he missed two boys so much, he wanted to wail.

Probably Hyunjin should have called Changbin, but wouldn't it look like Hwang replaced Minho with Changbin? Wouldn't it be mean to Seo? Hurting Changbin wasn't something Hyunjin would let himself do, so he just sat there moping.

A sudden thought flashed through Hyunjin's mind when he looked at the empty chair opposite of him. Jisung was so lucky to have Minho. Hyunjin now understood why the other boy was so possessive. Still, why wouldn't he even give Hyunjin a chance, what if he fell for Hwang? But...that thought seemed incredulous to Hyunjin anyway. He never fully believed in the soulmate concept as he couldn't believe someone would ever love him. He didn't love himself. Even his family didn't.

He remained silent, just staring at the floor when his phone buzzed with a notification. Hyunjin absent-mindedly reached for the device, his eyes widening in surprise. It was Minho.

_1 may (3:52 pm)_

lee minho:  
hey! i know i just left but..  
we'll see each other again, right?

you:  
if you want to

lee minho:  
of course i do!  
do you?

you:  
i do 

lee minho:  
yay! \\(^ヮ^)/  
but i have to come up with something to tell jisung so he wouldn't get suspicious   
you know..

you:  
i understand! don't worry about it  
it's fine

lee minho:  
you're so precious, hyunjinnie!  
i'm the luckiest to have you!  
i wish jisung knew how wonderful you are too  
i'll work on that

you:  
hyung ):

lee minho:  
can i text you from time to time btw?  
i don't want to be a bother 

you:  
hyung of course you can  
whenever you'll feel like it  
you're not a bother  
i'll always answer once i'm free

lee minho:  
thank you! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

Hyunjin wanted to cry when he switched the phone off. Minho texted Hyunjin first. Minho used cute emoticons. Minho called him 'Hyunjinnie'. How was Hwang supposed to manage all that? He was flustered, his heart beating fast. Minho was just too good for him.

Suddenly Hyunjin's phone buzzed again.

_1 may (4:01 pm)_

changbin hyung:  
you're online?  
you haven't been in a while

you:  
yeah minho left a few minutes ago

changbin hyung:  
oh, how did it go?  
how do you feel??

you:  
everything was great actually   
a bit awkward at first but....  
then we got more comfortable   
i actually feel strange  
but i kinda like that feeling

changbin hyung:  
that's how you're supposed to feel  
he's your soulmate   
and he accepts you  
it's just right

you:  
but something seems off  
idk what...jus...something 

changbin hyung:  
do you want me to come?

you:  
i don't want to distract you

changbin hyung:  
you don't 

you:  
you sure..?

changbin hyung:  
jinnie...

There was that cute nickname again. Why both Changbin and Minho kept making him flustered like that?

changbin hyung:  
hyunjin?  
of course i'm sure

you:  
okay then..  
if you want..  
you may come  
i'll be waiting 

changbin hyung:  
see you then!

* * *

For some reason Minho thought that things would become much better after he met another soulmate, but he was just naive. He fell into a torturous routine once again, the only thing saving him being the conversation with Hyunjin on the net, though Minho had to be secretive and hide all the little smiles and contented giggles.

As Minho missed a lot at university, Jisung helped him with the documents, so Lee now really took a gap year, doing more freelance than before to earn money for not only his part of the bills, but also for all his medication which cost a fortune. He didn't want to become a burden to Jisung, he wanted his lovely boy to keep studying well and not distracting. That way Minho could feel relieved, knowing he wasn't just idling around all day but being productive instead. He also kept repeating some university material not to forget everything completely. 

Yet, seeming fine on the outside, Minho couldn't get rid of the sickening sensation on the inside. Minho was afraid he already caught feelings for Hyunjin despite seeing him only twice. He was just too nice, too understanding, too pure. Minho wanted all three of them to be together so, so bad, he cried every day when Jisung wasn't at home. That was why Han couldn't help but notice Minho was uncharacteristically down these days.

"Will you finally tell me what's going on?" Jisung blurted out while they were having dinner in silence. Minho barely ate anything, he lost his appetite completely. 

"What do you mean?" Minho frowned, trying to brush this conversation off. He shoved his food with the fork on the plate. It cooled down already. Jisung finished his portion several minutes ago, so now he was just watching Minho, his arms crossed on his chest.

Jisung furrowed his brows in displeasure, pursing his lips. He waited for a bit longer before speaking up again, "You're like a ghost. You look...numb. What the hell's wrong with you?"

Minho kept staring into his plate, thinking if it was a good idea to tell Jisung the truth. Lee felt quite bleak and dismal for a long time. It all started when 'one more soulmate' topic popped up after their markings started to itch, reminding about the existence of Hyunjin. Jisung's denial made Minho very sad all the time. But it couldn't compare with the last few days.

It was harder and harder to find the reason to get up from the bed in the morning. Today Jisung even found Minho still wrapped in the blanket after he got home from the university. Lee never left the bed, staying there all day. Minho never felt that dejected and doomed. 

A small sparkle of fire still tried to light his mood up every time Minho got a message from Hyunjin, but the effect wasn't long-lasting. Minho started to question his will to live further. He tried staying afloat for Jisung. For Hyunjin, too. Lee knew if something happened to him, Han probably wouldn't survive it, so Minho kept going not to disappoint his boyfriend. 

"Why are you silent?" Jisung was still in the same position, only tilting his head to the side a bit. "You never react when I call for you, you barely eat, you barely move. I'm not saying anything about the fact that we haven't had sex for ages, but you don't even hug or kiss me anymore."

Minho jerked his head, feeling enormously guilty. He loved Jisung, but it hurt so bad. "I feel awful, Sung." Minho lowered his head, tears welling up in his eyes, "I had a dream today," he choked, "I died there. It...I...I don't know what I'm living for, Jisung," he finished when his cheeks were already wet.

There was a screech of the wood, rubbing the floor, and Minho felt Jisung's arms wrap around him, rocking him. "Sh-sh, what are you saying, silly, huh?" Jisung pulled away, looking Minho into his red eyes. "Where does it come from?" Jisung had a deep frown on his face, looking extremely concerned, even scared.

"I dunno," Minho sniffled, crying silently, "I'm tired of feeling that way, Jisungie. I'm very tired, but there's nothing I can do."

"I'll do anything to stop it. Just tell me what to do," Jisung pried.

Lee just shook his head, shrinking. _'No,'_ he thought. _'You're not ready for such a commitment.'_

_8 may (6:21 pm)_

you:  
hey hyunjin?

hyunjinnie:  
yeah?

you:  
you wanna meet tomorrow?

hyunjinnie:  
sure!  
when are you free?

you:  
so...i have an appointment with my doctor at 10  
i guess it will take approximately 30 minutes   
that means i'm free after 10:30 kkk  
i'm not sure where to meet though

hyunjinnie:  
is that the same place where we met for the first time?

you:  
yes

hyunjinnie:  
i can just meet you there

you:  
okay!  
see you!

The med test results weren't as satisfying as Minho wished them to be. He really wanted his pains and fatigue to end, he visited the doctor oftentimes and took the drugs promptly. Minho rested well enough, he even quit the university for that year. So why wasn't it getting any better? Even the specialists were confused. Minho was stumped even more so.

He was down in the dumps leaving the hospital, almost forgetting he agreed to meet Hyunjin today. That was why he was a tad surprised to hear a familiar voice from his back.

"Hyung!" Hyunjin called, and Minho turned around, fear and exhaustion written on his face. "Is everything alright?" The younger asked carefully, looking puzzled and concerned. 

Minho didn't answer and kept avoiding Hyunjin's gaze. Lee felt his vision become blurry. He sniffled and started wiping his tears away before they had a chance to make wet paths on his cheeks.

Suddenly it all was too much: Minho's suppressed state, Hyunjin's worried gaze, countless vague diagnoses. Keeping it inside, hiding it was impossible anymore. Minho exhaled harshly, feeling pathetic when he felt Hyunjin's arms embrace his own shaking frame.

Turning around to properly fit in Hyunjin's arms, Minho leaned to his touch. He hid his face in the younger's chest, hugging him tightly. Hyunjin just stroked Minho's back, whispering something softly.

"Hyung..." Hyunjin called for Minho quietly, "What happened?"

Minho pulled away rubbing on his eyes and sniffling, "It's nothing in particular, just...I don't know...I've been too emotional these days."

"You can trust me," Hyunjin said firmly, taking Minho's hands which made the latter look up. He met Hyunjin's starry gaze. This boy had beautiful starry eyes. 

"It's hard," Minho lowered his head again, "Opening up like that."

"I don't pry. I just wanted you to know that I'm by your side, I kind of..." Hyunjin brushed his blonde lengthy locks away from the forehead with his shaking hand, "It's very strange, but...I feel the connection already. It's making me sick though from time to time, not gonna lie," Hyunjin admitted and Minho giggled, more tears welling up in his eyes, "But I think I can trust you, so I want you to trust me, too."

"Hyunjinnie..." Minho started crying again.

"No, no, no, hyung," towering over Minho, Hyunjin cupped Lee's face, eyeing his expression worriedly. "Why are you crying again?"

Minho held onto Hyunjin's wrists, stroking them with his thumbs, his fingertips burning, "I'm sorry...I probably look awful right now."

"I don't care, you look perfect to me," Hyunjin wiped away the tear that escaped Minho's eye. "And you don't have to say sorry. For anything. None of this is your fault."

Minho sniffled loudly and just urged forward to hug Hyunjin again. Hwang felt so warm, so familiar, just like his family. Like Jisung. This thought struck Minho harder. Could he even be here with Hyunjin? Jisung had a right to feel jealous after something like this. Minho would deserve his anger. But Hwang's strong arms wrapping around Minho's own frame made him forget about everything. Lee just wanted to feel secure for once. He finally got the comfort he craved for for so long. He didn't want Hyunjin to let go of him, yet the younger did.

"We can come to my place again and talk, or just...I can make you some herbal tea, it will help you calm down," Hyunjin suggested carefully. 

"Yeah, it's k-kind of embarrassing to cry on the street like that," Minho tried to joke. Hyunjin just intertwined their fingers together and led the way.

Watching Hyunjin make tea was domestic. Minho's own apartment didn't feel like home anymore, so Lee tried to remember each and every moment he shared with Hyunjin here, observing a small neat kitchen once again, embracing all the little details.

Minho took a look at Hyunjin. The boy was slim, but his back and arms looked quite strong and muscular. Well...Minho had a chance to feel it himself anyway when Hwang was hugging him. Hyunjin attracted Lee like a magnet. Minho wanted to be closer in every sense but was still too afraid and shy even though they hugged many times recently. It still felt like they didn't know each other well enough for that, so Minho didn't want to cross the line. And Lee put all the previous contacts down to accidents.

"Do you do sports?" Minho asked without thinking when Hyunjin finished making tea and sat down at the table.

"Ugh...no. Why?" Hyunjin got confused, furrowing his brows.

"You look kinda brawny," Minho chuckled softly.

Hyunjin's eyes widened comically, his cheeks dusting with pink tint, "You should see Changbin-hyung. He is indeed brawny, but I...I guess that's because of my previous part-time job."

"Part-time job?" Minho took a sip of his tea.

"Yeah...I worked as a loader for some time in the past when I needed money," Hyunjin gnawed on his lip. This memory was probably painful as Minho recalled Hyunjin say he had had some hard time before finally reaching the state of stability.

"I actually would like to see Changbin," Hyunjin snapped his head at that, "If you don't mind," Minho continued a tad coyly. 

"Changbin wanted to meet you, too," Hyunjin was more relaxed now after Minho changed the topic. "Should I ask him when he's free to meet you and then text you?"

"Yes, that would be nice," Minho smiled, sipping the tea again. "By the way," he put the cup on the table hiding his hands under his thighs. "I was thinking all the way here. I want to trust you, too." Hyunjin's eyes widened again and he looked bemused not expecting Minho to bring that up again. "I want to share something serious with you and I want to be completely honest."

"Okay," Hyunjin said quietly the sound quiet, almost like a whisper.

"So, we've met at the hospital. You said it was your first time in a long while, right?" Hyunjin nodded and Minho carried on, "I've already lost the count of times I've been to that place. It's like my second house right now, I even had to take a sabbatical year at university because of that all," Minho put his hands on the table noticing them tremble. 

Lee looked up, right in Hyunjin's eyes. The latter was listening carefully a small frown indicating it. Hyunjin looked genuinely concerned his chest heaving rapidly. Minho sighed and, after averting his gaze once again, continued, "I'm not always like that. I mean, having energy to at least go out and interact with someone...Sometimes I'm too exhausted to even get up from my bed and I sleep for hours...And every time Jisung gets worried I feel even worse." Minho caught a glimpse of Hyunjin's hand's turning into fist, the boy's knuckles becoming white. "No doctor can even make a proper diagnosis. They prescribe me meds but they barely help when I'm at my worst state."

"So...it is somehow caused by all those...," Hyunjin gestured while trying to come up with something, "Soulmate mechanisms?" 

Minho looked at Hyunjin, narrowing his eyes, not sure what the younger tried to imply, "Yeah, I've been tested a lot, so it's for sure a soulmate thing."

Hyunjin hummed. "When did it start?"

"I think...a few weeks before our marking started to go crazy? Something like that. I was fatigue back then, even lost my consciousness once. Now it's a normal case. To faint, I mean."

"Oh, you know," Hyunjin exclaimed, "I fainted some time ago and I had a severe headache. Maybe one of you felt super bad? I'm not the type to lose consciousness out of nowhere," Hwang finished and squirmed under Minho's awaiting piercing gaze.

"There was one day...in the middle of the April, I guess. From that moment I...have been constantly downcast. Like...always restless. I was thinking a lot. About you," Minho admitted, fiddling with his fingers. 

"About me?!"

"Yeah...even before the marks started to ache Jisung for some reason decided to rant about it all again. The whole soulmate topic was quite painful for me. With each and every day I started to realise that I can't hate you. I haven't even seen you," Minho frowned, "And I told that Jisung one day."

"He reacted bad..." Hyunjin winced.

"Very bad," Minho pursed his lips. "I wasn't expecting that. I hoped I'd be able to overpersuade him, but nothing worked. And I started to feel down. Then the health problems occurred, and...now I'm here," Minho stared at his hands, "Being the regular visitor of the hospital," he chuckled bitterly.

It took some time for Hyunjin to answer. "Wait..." He narrowed his eyes. Minho turned his attention to Hyunjin. "You say...that you started to feel bad...after you started fighting with Jisung? Right?"

Minho's expression turned suspicious, "What do you mean?"

"What if...Jisung's denial affects you that way?" Hyunjin pursed his lips waiting for Minho's reaction nervously. 

"So you say it's his fault?" There were some notes of protectiveness in Minho's tone.

"I accept you both, you do too. Only Jisung doesn't," Hyunjin parried. Minho's blood started to boil. He didn't want to believe that.

"Then why don't you feel bad? Why do I suffer if he rejects you and not me, huh?" Minho's brows were furrowed and his hostile expression made Hyunjin falter. "Why do you blame him?"

"I don't blame him," Hyunjin answered scaredly, not expecting Minho to get angry. "It's just...doesn't it make sense?"

"No, it doesn't, Hyunjin!" Minho exclaimed. "You don't have to come up with something like that if you don't like Jisung."

"Wh-what are you talking about? Do you even hear yourself?" Hyunjin's breath hitched. Minho couldn't take it any longer.

"I better go," Minho stood up.

"Hyung..."

"Goodbye, Hyunjin. Thanks for the tea," Minho mumbled and ran away as quickly as he could. 

He was sobbing on the way home, hating himself for what he'd done.

Hyunjin broke down in tears right after he heard the slam of the front door. He didn't understand what he did wrong to infuriate Minho like that. Hyunjin tried to help, tried to find the solution to their predicament. 

Probably he was too stupid. Hyunjin believed that he would be able to have a stable relationship with at least one of his soulmates. He thought they started to get along with Minho. Lee was always so nice, both in person and through text messages. But what had happened now stunned Hyunjin completely. 

Hyunjin was reminded that he was a mistake one more time. Minho would never be on his side and it was naive to state otherwise. It was understandable though: Minho and Jisung spent their whole lives together. Lee would never admit that his boyfriend was capable of making a mistake, because he loved Jisung a lot. And Hyunjin was just an unwanted soulmate everyone hated.

It hurt. It shot him right in the heart making his breath hitch. Hyunjin would never find his happiness, he was sure of that now. He was sitting there on his kitchen crying hard when he heard a knock on the door. A glimmer of hope lit Hyunjin up. What if Minho decided to return and say it all was just a joke and he didn't mean to scare Hyunjin at all?

Getting up from the table, Hyunjin limped to the hallway to open the door. Everything was in a blur, but he discerned the face in front of him. It wasn't Minho. How silly it was of Hyunjin to hope for it. Minho would probably never return. Hyunjin didn't worth it.

"Hyunjin, what's wrong?!" Changbin urged forward to inspect the younger's tearful face.

Hyunjin kept sobbing, feeling terrible. He was disappointed to see Changbin instead of Minho and hated himself for it. Seo was the one who always supported him. He was the one who rushed to Hyunjin after closing the front door when Hwang sat on the floor feeling too weak.

"Hyung," Hyunjin called for Changbin absent-mindedly. He wanted to tell the older to leave, to walk away forever. Seo deserved someone better than Hyunjin who couldn't even appreciate Changbin's presense and help. 

"Hyunjin, baby. Who did that to you?" Changbin's voice was laced with care and empathy and it made Hyunjin feel even more awful. He still wanted comfort, though. He wasn't sure he would be able to endure all that on his own. Hyunjin needed Changbin right now.

"Am I that bad?" Hyunjin whimpered. "Why do they keep leaving me? You should, too. You don't need me, I'm too ingrate for you," he rambled with his broken voice.

"What are you saying?" Changbin wondered, trying to look for te answer in Hyunjin's face. "Come on, get up. Let's get you on your bed." Hyunjin straightened his posture obediently, holding onto Changbin. 

How was Hwang supposed to live like that: feeling so engrossed with himself, not being able to accept help, being hated by his soulmates? He never wanted to end it all more than he did at the moment. The only things preventing him from it were sudden exhaustion and Changbin's presence.

When they finally reached Hyunjin's bedroom, Hwang forced himself to crawl on the bed and curled up in a ball sobbing quietly. Hyunjin felt Changbin's gaze on his back. On second thought Hyunjin was so grateful the older was with him right now. What if he hadn't appeared in front of Hyunjin's apartment door a few minutes ago? The younger would've definitely done something very stupid. 

"Thank you..." Hyunjin whispered. He felt the bed sag under the older's weight. Changbin stroked Hyunjin's blonde hair gently.

"For what, baby?" Changbin whispered in reply.

Hyunjin tried to catch his breath, "For staying with me when no-one does...I didn't even understand before how much I needed it," Hyunjin sniffled. "You know I...kept bottling all my feelings inside. I blocked out my thoughts. I think I got...numb." Hyunjin still wasn't facing Changbin, but the latter kept brushing Hyunjin's hair with his fingers, so Hwang knew Seo was listening carefully. "And when we got closer with you, you kept being so nice...I forgot how good it feels to...be needed and taken care of." Hyunjin rubbed his eyes wiping the tears away. "But because of that...all those negative feelings got the worst of me. I also remembered I hated myself so much and I didn't want to live. And these thoughts still haunt me, even right now." 

It was weird but after opening up Hyunjin didn't feel vulnerable or sick. Conversely, he felt relieved, like a load fell of his mind. He got relaxed and decided to lay on his back to face Changbin. The older was looking at him with an unreadable expression, his brows furrowed. He shifted on his place, leaning closer to Hyunjin. Hwang's breath hitched when the older got closer to his face. 

Seo waited for a moment, locking eyes with Hyunjin. The latter never saw his hyung this close before, he anticipated something that was going to happen. Changbin cupped the younger's face, his touch tender, and pressed his lips to Hyunjin's forehead softly. Hyunjin shut his eyes tight trying to embrace the intimacy of that moment. He could feel Changbin's fondness with each and every particle of his soul. This platonic kiss meant so much for Hyunjin. It felt like it could heal all his old wounds.

Changbin pulled away finally, stroking one of Hyunjin's hair strands behind his ear. "I'm by your side, no matter what."

Hyunjin didn't want to answer anything. He just drew the older closer embracing him in the tight hug, such gesture saying more than words could convey. _Hyunjin was precious to his hyung._ It was the time for Hwang to finally understand and accept it. It was the time to start fighting his insecurities. He wouldn't let them take over him. 

_Not anymore._

What was happening to Hyunjin made Changbin restless. Seo checked on the younger more often now than before, spend as much time together with him as he could, thinking he started annoying Hwang at that point, but Hyunjin claimed he was happy to be so close to Changbin all the time.

It was hard not to feel suspicious of Minho after Hyunjin told Changbin why he had found Hyunjin in tears back then all broken. Even though Hyunjin was literally glowing with happiness for the short period while Minho had been nice to him, Changbin still felt a tad angry for what Hyunjin's soulmate put him through. 

Changbin wasn't sure where all that was going. He didn't keen on the idea of meeting Minho anymore, but both him and the other soulmate denials would hurt Hyunjin physically, and Changbin couldn't let that happen. Still, he didn't know how to sort this out and Hyunjin just chose to ignore that problem just like he'd done before, hoping it would dissipate. However, as they found out, this method didn't work at all. 

Luckily for them, Minho solved the issue himself appearing at Hyunjin's apartment exactly when Changbin was there. 

Boys were idling in the bedroom when they heard the door ring exchanging glances. Hyunjin said he didn't expect anyone to come and it dawned on Changbin who that might have been.

Hyunjin got up from the bed where he and Changbin had been cuddling just a few moments ago and disappeared in the hall to answer the door.

"Hyung?" Changbin heard Hyunjin's muffled voice, jealousy stinging him. Hearing the younger call someone else 'hyung' hurt for some reason. Seo got up as well carefully stepping out of the bedroom to eye Minho as he didn't even know what the other man looked like. 

"I'm so, so sorry for what I've said, Hyunjin." Minho sounded desperate, his gaze filled with regret. Changbin couldn't see Hyunjin's expression but saw him freeze in his place. "You were right, and I just acted like a fool, I hate myself for it so much." Hyunjin still wasn't moving and Changbin felt bad for eavesdropping, so he coughed signaling about his presence. Minho snapped his head, meeting Changbin's gaze, the other man's eyes becoming wider. "Oh, I...I guess it's some bad timing, sorry, I just..." Minho became even more fidgety than he'd been before, almost reaching for the doorknob to leave when Hyunjin grabbed his wrist silently. Minho turned around looking at the boy anxiously. 

"Stay. We all should talk. And you wanted to meet my hyung Changbin anyway," Hyunjin said, his voice devoid of any emotions. Minho's chest was heaving rapidly and Changbin didn't know what to do with himself. "Let's go to my room," Hwang commanded and two other men followed him.

"After I left you that day, I was very mad at you," Minho's voice was small. He was sitting on the bed, while Hyunjin eyed him from his rolly chair next to the desk. Changbin was just standing by the door, his arms crossed on his chest. Seo was actually going to leave, but Hyunjin claimed he had nothing to hide from Changbin and demanded that he stayed. It made Changbin feel very warm on the inside, though he tried to supress that, masking his emotions with feigned seriousness.

"But then I realized," Minho continued, staring at the floor, "You would never want to hurt me or Jisung," Minho fiddled with his fingers. "So I started digging deeper into it and it occurred to me that...you might be right," Lee's eyes became wet, "I had to stop being overprotective about Jisung and I had to face the reality," Minho's lower lip trembled. He wiped his tear away with the back of his hand, "Sorry...It makes me overwhelmed."

"Don't be...I'm not mad at you. I...understand...everything," Hyunjin tried to reassure Minho.

Minho's eyes started to water again when he glimpsed at Hyunjin.

"Continue, hyung," Hwang encouraged Lee, nodding. 

"Yeah," Minho still avoided an eye contact. "That all was why I talked to Jisung about you again. Vaguely, though. I didn't mention I already met you. And it's a good thing I didn't," Minho nodded to himself. 

"Why?" Changbin asked, narrowing his eyes and Minho jerked his head to look at him.

"We got into a fight again. It hurts so much all the time," Minho winced, averting his eyes and looking at the wall in front of him. "Not only...mentally, but...all my body...it's just..."

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but..." Changbin started, drawing attention of both Minho and Hyunjin. "Do you have any idea about how a triple soulmate connection work?" Changbin eyed their faces, confusion evident in their expression. "How come you don't? You never learnt about it?"

"No..." Both of them answered. 

"I never thought it's any different from the dual one..." Minho mumbled and looked at Hyunjin.

"And I was never interested in that topic, you know that," Hyunjin winced.

Changbin just sighed and started to explain, "So, as you might guess, soulmates influence each other's states." Minho and Hyunjin nodded, and Seo proceeded, "When there are three soulmates, each of them for sure influence two others, but...there is a nuance: one soulmate has a greater impact on one of their soulmates, but doesn't affect the other one that much."

"What...do you mean?" Minho asked, still as puzzled as Hyunjin.

"For example..." Changbin looked at the ceiling to think of an instance, "You fought with Jisung, right? When was the last time?"

"Oh, actually...it was today. We quarrelled really bad and I ran here," Minho admitted. 

Changbin hummed, "And you say you felt bad physically."

"I did."

"Hyunjin, did you feel bad today? Did anything hurt?" Changbin appealed to the younger, who tossed his head at that.

Hyunjin shook his head, "N-no, I didn't. I was...f-fine, actually."

"You see?" Changbin asked and two faces in front of him were showing mixes of emotions. "Has Jisung ever felt so bad because of the soulmate connection he had to go to the hospital?"

"No..." Minho's eyes were wide and he was shivering. 

"Because Hyunjin accepts him," Changbin stated.

"Wait!" The younger exclaimed. "Does that mean that...Jisung influences Minho, I influence Jisung, and Minho influences me?!"

"Yeah, I think you got that right," Changbin nodded, and then heard a loud sniffle. Minho was crying now, his hands shaking.

"Hyung!" Hyunjin bounced to Minho, holding his hands, the younger tearing up as well. "Hyung, why are you crying?"

"He's killing me," Minho whispered in a shaky with voice. "He doesn't understand that he's killing me." Hyunjin urged forward, hugging Minho. 

"Hyung, we'll sort this out somehow."

Minho chuckled bitterly when Hyunjin pulled away. "Strange that he didn't call me yet- wait..."

"What's wrong?" Changbin got alarmed. 

Minho searched for something in his pockets. "I forgot my phone at home. I should probably head back."

"You sure you're in the right state?" Hyunjin looked at Minho with concern when the latter got up from the bed.

"Yeah...I'm glad I talked to you. And I'm glad I met you, Changbin," Minho approached Seo, holding his hands and squeezing them. Changbin gave him a small smile in reply. "We'll meet again, right?" Minho asked both of them.

"Of course, hyung."

The walk home was dreary to Minho. He wished he'd stayed in Hyunjin's house, but he understood he would have to return home anyway. Return to Jisung. Running away from the problems was never an option. 

Minho decided to tell Jisung everything, hoping it would help to make Han stop rejecting Hyunjin. Jisung just needed to find out that it was him who affected Minho in such an awfully painful way.

"Oh, you finally appeared?" Was the first thing Minho heard when he entered their apartment. "Don't you think you have something to tell me?" Jisung's tone was laced with bitterness. Minho didn't remember when he last heard Jisung being nice to him.

"What..?"

"This," Jisung stretched out his arm in which lay Minho's phone with an opened messenger app, showing Hyunjin's name at the top of the screen. "You fucking met him and didn't even bother to tell me?"

"Are you kidding?" Minho was so tired, but Jisung's behaviour made him mad. "You met him first and hid it. Moreover, you told him to stay away from us!"

"Yeah, I did! For your own good! You were feeling worse!" Jisung tried to excuse himself. 

"Yeah, because of you," Minho huffed, narrowing his eyes.

"Wh-what are you saying?" Jisung stuttered. 

"You're rejection made me feel worse! Hyunjin is the nicest person who accepts you even though you deny his existence, and-" Minho's breath hitched, his ears plugging up and the pulse thumping loudly in his temples. 

"Did he tell you that? Are you gonna listen to him now? You know him for only several days!"

"And still he cares about me more than you do!" Minho shouted, and his throat throbbed. It was difficult to see, surroundings becoming blurry.

"Are you crazy, Minho? Don't you see he turned you against me? I- Minho?"

Minho didn't want to answer. His head felt heavy, his limbs were numb. He swayed, thinking he could swoon at any moment.

"Minho? What's going on?!" Jisung panicked, catching Minho who was starting to fall down. "Minho! Don't close your eyes! Minho, do you hear me?! I'm gonna call the ambulance! Minho, ple-"

And everything was black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorryyyyyyy for such a late update ))))):  
> i had so many deadlines rn in uni to deal with so i didn't get that much time to write every day  
> i still tried though! so here we are! happy to finally upload this chapter! hope it's not too raw and disappointing....
> 
> i also want to clear something up !!  
> you may notice that hyunjin's thoughts are kinda irrational sometimes and he may contradict himself (like he's disappointed to see changbin but then thinks that he needs seo right after the first thought) ---- that happens because hyunjin hasn't sort his own feelings out yet, there's a mess in his head and a low self-esteem doesn't make it any better, so just bear with him for a while...he'll keep reflecting and maybe one day...who knows what happes sldlsppsps
> 
> and well...comments are very much appreciated!!!!!!!!! i really want to know what you think of this chapter! it took a lot of effort to write it 
> 
> btw if you wanna talk or ask me for details of this fic you can always reach me on my twt @ksinkinsink <3


	4. without you, it is

It was an annoying beeping sound that woke Minho up. He opened his eyes, eyelids feeling way too heavy and his throat dry. Minho felt uncharacteristically calm even though he didn't understand where he was exactly and didn't remember how he got there. 

There was only one reasonable explanation. Sedatives. 

Minho tried to shift on his place, numb sensation in his body making him too uncomfortable. His arm stung with pain because of that and after eyeing it, the boy saw a thin needle come out from his vein and making its way up to the IV next to his bed.

Nice. Now Minho couldn't move properly not to mess up the infusion. Both of his arms felt cold and asleep. It started to irritate Lee, so he tried to raise the IV-free arm, feeling someone's weight on it. It was Jisung's head with his messy brown locks. The boy was sleeping. How come Minho didn't notice him at first? Those meds had to be very strong. Minho wondered how much worse his state had become. 

After Minho pulled his hand out, Jisung shifted and started blinking rapidly, getting up. Now Lee could have a proper look at his boyfriend's face: swollen eyes with many burst red blood vessels, dark eyebags, pale skin. Minho's breath sped up a tiny bit, annoying beeping sound from before becoming more rapid.

"Minho?" Jisung asked quietly, his eyes misty. "You've woken up, thank god." He fell on Minho again, hugging Lee's legs.

Minho furrowed, "Of course I did." Woah. Minho didn't expect his voice to be that raspy. His throat ached when he talked. "I...need some water...please."

"Oh!" Jisung exclaimed, jumping up quickly and rushing to the side to bring Minho a bottle of water. Han opened the lid, helping his boyfriend to drink. It spilled a bit, so Jisung had to wipe the water from Minho's chin and neck. "You haven't woken up in three days," Jisung's voice wavered. "I didn't know what to do. You scared me so much."

Three days? Minho heard the blood in his temples run down to his skull, gulping. He stared at the wall, avoiding Jisung's gaze. What was happening? The overwhelming sense of fear crawled up Minho's spine, wrapping its cold fingers round his throat. It was suffocating. Lee felt a tear make a wet path down his check, reaching his ear.

"Minho? What are you thinking?" Jisung drew Minho's attention, so Lee looked Han right in the eyes. Jisung faltered under Minho's freezing glance. Minho's entire body radiated smothering coolness.

Minho licked his chapped lips. "We have to do something."

"I'll do anything to make you feel better," Jisung tried to sound firm, but his voice was small.

"I already asked you many times."

"Is it-"

"You'll meet our soulmate," Minho demanded serenely. "And you'll try to accept him. There's no other way to make me feel better."

"I...okay," Jisung lowered his head. "If you say so."

_16 may (3:15 pm)_

hyunjinnie:  
hyung please text me when you're home

_16 may (9:27 pm)_

hyunjinnie:  
hyung?  
is everything alright?

_17 may (10:23 am)_

hyunjinnie:  
i'm very worried about you hyung

_18 may (2:41 pm)_

hyunjinnie:  
hyung please   
i don't even know how to find you

_19 may (5:17 pm)_

hyunjinnie:  
hyung you've read my messages   
why didn't you answer?

_20 may (11:49 am)_

hyunjinnie:  
minho hyung?

_20 may (1:20 pm)_

you:  
hyunjinnie  
hello  
i didn't read those messages   
jisung did

hyunjinnie:  
HYUNG  
what happened???

you:  
i'm in hospital 

hyunjinnie:  
WHAT  
can i please visit you?  
please 

you:  
sure  
_' location attached '_

hyunjinnie:  
wait  
what about jisung?

you:  
i sent him home  
he's been next to me for three days   
while i was asleep

hyunjinnie:  
YIU WERE ALSEEP FOR THREE DAYS

you:  
i'll tell you everything 

hyunjinnie:  
okay  
can i bring changbin hyung?

you:  
oh   
of course 

hyunjinnie:  
see you then

"-what's yor relation to him?" Jisung heard the nurse at the reception ask when he entered the hospital. 

"I'm his soulmate," the boy by the counter insisted. The voice seemed familiar to Han.

"Are you Han Jisung?" The nurse quirked an eyebrow at the guy. Jisung chuckled at that but then froze on his place. Why would the nurse say his name?

"No..." the fair-haired boy sounded confused. 

"Well, Lee Minho doesn't have other registered soulmates," the nurse smiled nicely.

"What?! Do you have it registere-"

"I'm Han Jisung, he's with me," Jisung decided to intrude when it occurred to him who that guy was. Han didn't know why on earth he decided to do that. It was almost instinctively. And he promised Minho to try accepting the other soulmate. That could be considered the first step.

"Show me your ID, please," the nurse asked and Jisung did as he was told. Another man backed away, eyeing Jisung with a shoked expression. Han pretended to not notice it.

"Okay, you can go now. Room 25 on the third floor, you'll see the signs," the nurse returned Jisung his document, instructing them.

"Thank you," he said and turned around looking at another man. "Let's go," he blurted out and started to walk away, two men trailing behind him. That was when Jisung noticed that his soulmate wasn't alone. "Wait," he stopped, his gaze lingering on the dark-haired short man. "Who are you?"

"He's my hyung," the other guy replied.

"I don't think that it's a good idea to bring some strangers along," Jisung spat, which caused that man to squirm and avert his gaze.

"He's not a stranger," Jisung's soulmate narrowed his eyes in disdain. "And Minho hyung knows I brought my friend along."

Jisung huffed, irritated, but then proceeded to lead the way.

Once they came up to the right room, Jisung knocked, hoping Minho wasn't asleep. There was a muffled 'come in' behind it, so three boys stepped inside one by one.

Minho was holding a book in his hands, sitting on the bed under the white thin blanket, leaning on the big pillow. He slowly turned his attention to his visitors. "Hyunjinnie!" Jisung hated how Minho's eyes lit up when he saw the tall guy.

"Hyung!" Hyunjin ran up to bed, hugging Minho. _His Minho._

The other man whose name Jisung still didn't know was just standing next to Han awkwardly. Lee closed his eyes while hugging Hyunjin tightly and when the latter pulled away Minho beamed at him. Jisung was ready to punch the other soulmate. 

"Jisung, stop being jealous," Minho suddenly said, holding onto his heart. He was still looking at Hyunjin with fond eyes, but Hyunjin turned around to glimpse at Jisung.

"What?! I'm...I'm not!" Jisung protested, frowning.

"I feel it. You can't fool me anymore," Minho deadpaned, giving Jisung a disapproving glare. "Changbinnie, don't stay there like an alien. Come here," Minho stretched his arm in the dark-haired man's direction, asking him to come closer that way.

Changbin came up to Lee, squeezing his hand. "Hyunjin was so worried about you. And me too...even though I don't know you much."

"It's okay, dears. I'm gonna be fine, right Jisung?" Minho asked that holding Hyunjin's and Changbin's hands in his. It was unbearable for Han. Why was Minho torturing him like that? 

"I need some air," Jisung mumbled and left hastily.

When Jisung ran out of the hospital building his lungs stung. He felt so angry and annoyed, he wanted to scream. They were taking Minho away from him. It was clear now.

He looked up at the sky and then closed his eyes trying to regain self-control. Jisung clenched his fists, biting his lips. The corners of his eyes prickled, tears threatening to fall down at any moment. There were so many thoughts torturing Han's mind right now. He wished to turn back time when everything was normal, just Minho and him, no stupid Hyunjin.

So...what now? 

Jisung had to humble himself? Han hated even Hyunjin's name. How was he supposed to accept Hyunjin's whole existence? Was there really no other way out? 

Jisung couldn't do it. He felt too many things towards Hyunjin, but all of them were negative. It felt as vigorous as loving Minho, though one-hundred-eighty-degrees opposite. Han started to doubt if Minho loved him anymore. Lee seemed so attached to Hyunjin there, in the hospital room. Minho watched the other soulmate with such a tender gaze, Jisung was ready to throw up because of the sickening feeling of jealousy inside of him. Minho even treated some stranger named Changbin better than his own boyfriend. _What the hell was going on?_

"Jisung?" 

Han turned around abruptly, facing Hyunjin who tapped Jisung's shoulder to draw his attention. Jisung shrugged making it obvious that he didn't want the other guy to touch him even if it was just a shadowy tap. Han wanted Hyunjin to know Jisung was disgusted with him.

"Thank you for...helping us get in," Hyunjin sounded sincerely grateful but Jisung didn't care not a bit. He kept staring at Hyunjin, his eyebrows furrowed, leaving his soulmate without an answer. 

Hyunjin gulped nervously and tried again, "it was...nice to see you again."

Jisung huffed and averted his eyes grimacing, his hands in the pockets of his yellow hoodie, "who are you trying to fool?" Han returned his attention to Hyunjin's face, "I almost called you names when we met and you say it's 'nice' to see me?"

Hyunjin straightened his posture, his facial expression becoming morose and serious, "yeah, I said what I said. I hoped you got smart enough to understand that your attitude harms Minho-"

"Easy does it, soulmate," Jisung spat, not meaning anything nice by the nickname. "Are you, perhaps, a doctor? A therapist, maybe? You think you can toss around words like this about my attitude? Is there a medical statement about how I influence my boyfriend?" Jisung watched Hyunjin falter angrily. Of course this guy had nothing to retort.

"You're killing him, and you know it, but you're too scared and dumb to admit it," Hyunjin mumbled, clenching his jaw afterwards. 

"I know what I'm doing, okay?"

"No, you don't," Hyunjin protested looking for the common sense in Jisung's gaze but not finding any. "Why can't you try for Minho if you don't want him to suffer? Why can't you try being nice to me? If it doesn't help then I'll just leave you two alone." Jisung's head snapped at the last words and he contemplated for several seconds. 

"Fine. Fine, I'll try."

Probably, Hyunjin had never felt that contented during his whole life as it was now.

After telling Changbin the truth about his state and the thoughts that had been tormenting his mind for many years, Hyunjin finally got to know what trusting a person really meant. The air between them had never been awkward since that moment and Hyunjin sensed how Changbin was opening up, too. The older talked about Seungmin more freely now, ocasionally telling Hyunjin some funny and endearing stories. 

It seemed like Kim had had a bubbly personality and basically had been a pretty nice guy to be around. That was why hearing those stories made Hyunjin quite melancholic. He was on the verge of tears a few times. However, oddly enough, Changbin didn't seem bleak at all. On the contrary, he got energised and upbeat reminiscing about the past he couldn't return.

It made Hyunjin wonder how Seo had managed to get over his soulmate that easily, so he asked Changbin about it one day.

"Well...I never got over it, actually," Seo chuckled nervously and Hwang felt like the dumbest person in the whole universe being so tactless. "It may look like...I'm fine now. I mean, I don't feel sorrowful either. Your presence eases the pain a lot," Changbin's head was ducked as it was difficult to look Hyunjin in the eyes during the moment of such frankness. "But I will never forget him," his tone was firm but the voice quite.

"And it's good," Hyunjin started and Changbin looked at him. "He deserves to be remembered. I'm happy you...tell me so much about him. That way I can...you know...share the memories with you. I hope it makes him happy, too, wherever he is right now." Hyunjin's voice got smaller by the end of his talk. He met Changbin's watery grateful eyes and the next moment they were hugging each other tightly, Seo's head resting on Hyunjin's shoulder. 

"You're the most amazing person I know," Changbin whispered, Hyunjin's t-shirt becoming wet.

"So are you, hyung."

Another reason why Hyunjin felt placid now was their reconciliation with Minho. They were texting each other a whole lot.

_23 may (1:59 pm)_

minho hyung:  
god i'm FINALLY home  
i would've died in my hospital bed if you hadn't texted me

you:  
hyuuung what are you talking about   
weren't jisung there with you?

minho hyung:  
he sure was  
but he became so glum  
he barely talked to me  
as if he was afraid or something   
probably just jealous 

you:  
when will he understand i'm not taking you away from him тт.тт

minho hyung:  
i'm trying hyunjinnie

you:  
so what you gonna do now?

minho hyung:  
i have some work to be done

you:  
your freelance stuff?

minho hyung:  
yep!

you:  
you sure you're in a good condition tho?

minho hyung:  
of course   
it's not that hard anyway 

you:  
okay then, take care   
i'll text you in the evening 

minho hyung:  
okay!

Last meeting with Jisung though wasn't pleasant at all and Hyunjin wasn't fully convinced Han would sincerely try fixing things up. But Minho's life depended on it. And Hyunjin wanted to believe Jisung would get on top of his feelings and stop hating Hwang. There was something good to hope for, Hyunjin learnt to stay positive from Changbin. 

Changbin. 

If only he knew how much Hyunjin treasured him. Hwang tried to let Changbin know that in every way possible: by words, by actions, by all the little gentle touches he gave Changbin. And Hyunjin felt how his hyung reciprocated. Hyunjin felt loved and important. 

They got to the point when the only places where they parted ways were different lecture rooms in their university. The rest of the time they were always together staying over at Hyunjin's or Changbin's apartments. Boys didn't want to leave each other's sides at all, they never got tired of each other's presence feeling comfortable living like that.

All of that made Hyunjin ponder. 

It seemed as if his connection with both soulmates was indeed wrong or broken. Changbin said one was supposed to get romantic feelings at some point (and that usually happened a few days after the first meeting). However, there wasn't something like that about Minho. He definitely had a special place in Hyunjin's heart now but not like a lover and more like his hyung. Like Changbin, probably?

And there was another problem.

The feeling toward Minho was completely different from something Hyunjin had for Changbin. Seo started to play the most important role in the younger's life, so of course Hyunjin would have a soft stop for him. But was that even right to feel that way? Chagbin surrounded Hyunjin with care and support and Hwang couldn't help but grow closer and closer to the older. He felt like a true family Hyunjin never really had. And something strange going on with both Minho and Jisung felt off, Hyunjin started to doubt there was a way to fix it. He felt burdened by the soulmate connection, and since the bond was doubled, it made its weight even heavier.

"Something bothering you?" Changbin inquired. Boys were in Hyunjin's bedroom, Hyunjin sitting at the desk and Changbin coming up to him.

"Soulmates, as always," Hyunjin sighed, taking a look at his notebooks. He wasn't in a mood for doing homework at the moment. 

"What exactly this time? I thought everything got better," Changbin stood behind Hyunjin to massage the younger's tense shoulders.

"It kinda did..."

"But?"

"But..." Hyunjin paused, enjoying the feeling of Changbin's strong arms on his shoulders and neck. "I have a bad feeling...No, don't try to reassure me. I just have it, it just bothers me. I don't understand what to do...I don't think Jisung will for real accept me."

"You should meet to find out. What if he's changed?" Changbin tried, but Hyunjin huffed.

"I'm not sure he's able to change...or willing to."

"You don't know him that well after all," Changbin said and pressed the right spot, so Hyunjin hummed contentedly, the tips of his ears becoming red.

"Y-you're right. I'm still waiting for Minho to text me though," Hynjin replied the moment his phone buzzed with the new notification. "Speak of the devil."

"Devil?" Changbin laughed. "That's how you call your soulmate?"

"He said he wants me to meet Jisung," Hyunjin ignored Changbin. 

"You're indeed soulmates."

* * *

The mood had been spoiled since morning.

Jisung overslept and was in a rush, not even grabing a snack for breakfast. In university his group got scolded for not preparing for the lesson well, as Jisung and some of his classmates couldn't answer the professor's questions properly, getting minuses and a disapproving look. There was a slight drizzle when Jisung was on his way home and it annoyed him even more than the heavy shower would. The sky was gray in some places, but sometimes the sun would go out for a while to beam at the world in the most disgusting way possible. Jisung hated the mixture of puddles, humid air, glum clouds and the sun. So now he was grumpy, tired and hungry, blurting out a short 'I'm home' when he entered the apartment. 

"We're on the kitchen!" Jisung heard Minho say and he wondered who that 'we' could be, sorting all the options out in his head, getting a very unpleasant feeling.

"Hi, Jisung. How was your day, honey?"

He stepped into the kitchen facing the back of the familiar blonde guy who was sitting at the table and turning his head slowly in Jisung's direction. Han was definitely not ready to deal with more annoyance right now, he was afraid he could explode at any moment. 

"What is he doing here?" Jisung frowned, his tone hostile as usual when he was next to Hyunjin.

"You promised me we'll get together one day," Minho was placid, not bothered with Jisung's bitterness at all.

"Yeah, but couldn't you..." Jisung turned around closing the fridge he initially opened to look for food but found nothing he would like to eat there, "warn me...or something?"

"Whenever I tried to talk to you about it you always would reject, so I decided to plan everything on my own," Minho sounded a tad irritated.

"Well, congrats then, you fucked up," Jisung huffed, his arms folded on his chest. "I'm not in a mood right now."

"Sit down and tell us why," Minho patted a chair next to himself. "You used to tell me about the bad days before. We're all here just to talk, share with us."

Jisung narrowed his eyes finding the idea incredulous, but then it occurred to him that Minho was dead serious and that Hyunjin really tried to become closer to Jisung, so Han gave up. 

"Fine," Jisung sat at the table as well and started jabbering about annoying weather, strict professors, huge workload, lack of sleep and everything that bothered him, leaving out the soulmate topic. Both boys listened to him carefully, letting him rant freely, and Jisung actually enjoyed it, letting everything off his chest without much pressure but he would never admit it to himself. 

"You know, I actually have a way to deal with it," Hyunjin started with his sugary sweet voice and Jisund just turned the volume off not paying any attention to what Hwang was saying. Han didn't need his advice or help, he didn't even want him here. Hyunjin was alien to this house, to this kitchen, to this chair. Han only watched Hyunjin's mannerisms, mentally noting something for himself here and there. 

For example, Hyunjin kept brushing a strand of his hair behind his ear: he was nervous, trying too hard to get Jisung's benevolence. Every time they met Hyunjin's hair were the same length and the color was perfectly blonde which meant the boy took extra care of himself. 

_How neat_ , Jisung thought, _and how disgusting_. Hyunjin said something Han didn't catch and Minho was laughing at it replying with what made no sense to unbothered Jisung, but the other boy laughed as well and that sound felt so unbearable, Jisung wanted to close his ears. It wasn't ugly on the whole, probably it was even nice. However, it was _Hyunjin's_ , and it was the main problem. 

Jisung didn't like Hyunjin. Han was sure that the boy would never fit in, Jisung didn't even try to accept him at the moment, Hwang seemed way too nasty. Even his beauty didn't cause anything apart from disdain in Han's heart at that point. He needed to put an end to this nonsense. 

"Hyunjin, can I get your number?"

Hwang choked on his tea and stared at Jisung dumbly. It was hard for the younger not to wince. 

"Why though?"

"You know, maybe I'll need to contact you or something. Aren't we...bonding?" Jisung hoped he sounded sincere when he blatantly lied.

"Oh...sure!" Hyunjin beamed nicely, handing Jisung his phone.

"That's so nice of you, Sungie. I'm proud of you," Minho prattled.

"Here," Jisung returned the phone to the owner, giving him a strained smile.

"So...I think I should go now," Hyunjin got up.

"We'll see you to the door!" Minho exclaimed, literally flourishing with happiness. 

In a few moments the door closed after Hyunjin and Minho was quick to draw Jisung closer to him and pull him into a kiss.

"Thank you so much, Sungie," Minho murmured. Jisung smiled, finally feeling happier when he came up with how to deal with Hyunjin.

The next several weeks were oddly smooth and satisfying to Hyunjin. The weather was refreshing and it seemed to make their soulmate connection flourish. As colds were long gone, summer finally taking over, the ice between all three of them started to melt. 

At least it was what Hyunjin thought was happening. Minho, Jisung and him started to meet a lot after that day when Han asked Hyunjin for his phone number. Hwang wouldn't have believed if someone had told him some time ago that in the future he would find Jisung nice and think highly of him. 

Though, once you look deeper into it, most of the outings with Jisung and Minho ended in Lee and Hwang's blabbering about anything they could think of, while Han seemed to have his head in the clouds, not really caring about what his soulmates were up to.

Sometimes it would bother Hyunjin and he would try to drag Jisung into the conversation. Han would only say a few words and then stick to his habitual patterns of remaining silent again.

Hyunjin couldn't help feeling suspicious of such behaviour, but he usually brushed it off in his mind, thinking that it probably was Jisung's way of dealing with a new lifestyle with a whole new soulmate in it. Moreover, Changbin always tried to reassure Hyunjin that he was overthinking way too much and holding onto the past where he'd been rejected. However, Hyunjin couldn't get rid of the feeling as if Seo wasn't telling him something. He got quite dejected and had a tendency to daydream. Hyunjin couldn't let it slide.

"Hyung?" Hyunjin tried to draw his hyung's attention while they were on a walk in the local park. Even though they were holding hands, Changbin was distant, obviously pondering something vexing in his head, judging by the frown he had on his face. He didn't even notice when Hyunjin stared at him for a while.

"Yeah?" Changbin answered in a moment, making it look as if a protracted silence hadn't been weighing over them for a few past minutes. 

"You've been dismal recently," Hyunjin started, looking at Changbin. Seo stared at Hwang with wide fearful eyes. "You think I don't notice how you shut down and dig into yourself. It's not common for you," there wasn't any judgement in Hyunjin's tone. He was only worried about not catching up on something that was happening to Changbin. After all Hyunjin had been spending lots of time with Minho and Jisung these days, so he felt kind of guilty for not being there for his hyung as much as before.

"It's okay, Hyunjin." It was the only thing Changbin said and then he kept silent. It was driving Hyunjin crazy. He didn't want to lose Changbin's trust.

"It's not, hyung," the younger sounded a tad whiny, "please, tell me what's going on. I'm really concerned. You started to close up in yourself...I don't wanna lose...what we have," Hyunjin ducked his head, so Chagbin stopped, making Hwang face him.

"We're not gonna lose it...unless you'd like to," Changbin looked to the side, though he held onto Hyunjin's hands tightly. 

Hyunjin frowned. "Why...would I want to...to lose it?" He stuttered, feeling his heart rate speeding up. Changbin still avoided looking Hyunjin in the eyes, his expression being somewhat scared and rueful. "Changbin?"

Seo lifted his head when Hyunjin dropped the honorifics, locking eyes with him. Changbin's lips were pursed and he struggled to admit something that was bothering him, yet he tried.

"I...You...You've been spending a lot of time with Jisung and Minho hyung recently," Changbin let go of Hyunjin's hands and averted his gaze once again. "I see that you're finally happy. And I'm happy myself, knowing that you three are on good terms now, so I...I..." Changbin's voice wavered at the end, so Hyunjin interrupted him. 

"Do you think...I'd stop meeting with you because of that?" Hyunjin was taken aback by that though. Changbin didn't reply anything, still looking anxious, which just proved Hwang's point. He didn't even imagine that his hyung could have such insecure feelings about their friendship, and it made Hyunjin's heart ache. "Hyung, I would never do that!" Hyunjin exclaimed, sensing the urgent need to reassure the older. "Please, don't even think about it. Hyung..."

Changbin swayed on his place, his eyebrows knitting together. He looked like he could cry at any moment. Seeing Changbin like that caused butterflies flutter in Hyunjin's stomach. He felt both disconcerted and besotted. He wrapped his arms around Seo's shoulders, sensing Changbin's vulnerability. At that moment it felt like Hyunjin was older, like he was a hyung who protected his younger friend. Changbin clinged onto Hyunjin's tee, snuggling his face in Hyunjin's chest. 

"I love you," Changbin whispered so quietly, Hyunjin thought he misheard. Hwang stiffened after that, feeling Seo freeze as well, so he was quick to gently rub Changbin's back, saying, "I love you, too, hyung."

_10 june (8:30 pm)_

minho hyung:  
hey hyunjinnie

you:  
hi hyung   
what's up?  
we still on for tomorrow?

minho hyung:  
about that...  
i still don't feel that well  
okay i feel like shit honestly 

Oh, yeah, the most important part. 

Minho wasn't getting any better. At all. If anything, he was feeling even worse every time they met altogether. 

Nobody knew where the root of the problem was as Jisung, Hyunjin and Minho were now living in harmony. Kind of. At least they didn't fight and there was no hatred and rejection between them. So everyone was confused and secretly terrified. 

you:  
hyungg :c  
i haven't seen you since last week

minho hyung:  
i know bby  
but you can still see jisung  
is it okay?

you:  
oh! he doesn't mind?

minho hyung:  
nope!  
he suggested it  
i'm so happy you two get along   
i think it gives me strength c:

you:  
then we'll have the coolest walk tomorrow!!

minho hyung:  
kkk you better

you:  
then i'll go text jisung  
and you hyung rest well

minho hyung:  
i will!

It was all decided now. It was a perfect time for Jisung to finally do that. He couldn't wait any longer and Minho wasn't around to stop him.

"Hi, Jisung!" Han was met with a cheerful greeting by the tall boy he hoped he saw for the last time. Jisung got up from the bench he'd been sitting on and eyed their surroundings. He wanted to make sure that nobody would be there to witness what was going to happen.

"I'm gonna be honest right now," Jisung narrowed his eyes, looking directly at Hyunjin, radiating enmity. 

Hwang took a small step back, evidently sensing that something was wrong. "Yeah, sure. Honesty is very important when you get to know each other," he furrowed his brows, still trying to find Jisung's hostile behaviour an excuse. How disgustingly cute and naive.

"No, you don't understand," Jisung shook his head, locking eyes with Hwang. "Yours and Minho's stupid faith in our connection becoming stronger...it was such a nonsense," Jisung smirked and Hyunjin's frown deepened. "I suffered this for more than three weeks. Three weeks of your dumb prattling. All just to understand that it doesn't work. Just like I expected."

Hyunjin narrowed his eyes, trying to hide the fact that there were tears welling up. Jisung laughed inwardly at how pathetic Hyunjin was.

"I told you from the very beginning, on the parking lot, that you're a mistake and that we don't need you," Jisung pushed forward and Hyunjin faltered. "I asked you not to approach any of us, didn't I? Are you happy with yourself now? You gave Minho hope, turned him up against me..."

"What-"

"Shut it," Jisung cut Hyunjin off in a brusque manner. Hyunjin's lip quivered. "You said you'd leave us alone in case nothing would change. As you see, nothing have changed," Jisung shrugged, feigning compassion. "What a pity, right?"

Hyunjin kept staring at him, his lips pursed. He couldn't hold the tears any longer and now his cheeks were wet.

"You know what I think? I think you make Minho feel worse. Yeah. You keep setting him up against me. He started to treat me differently after he met you...We've been connected since childhood, and now you're ruining what we have. You have already ruined it. Of course, Minho would feel bad," Jisung scoffed. Hyunjin tried his hardest not to sob and remained silent. "It would be much better if you stopped talking to him. And I don't want to see you. I hate and despise you. You're doing nothing but constantly spoiling our life." Jisung hissed. His mark stung, the pain spreading all over his arm. He saw Hyunjin clench his fist. He must have felt it too. "You see what you do? You cause us all pain."

They kept staring each other in the eyes, and the next moment Hyunjin sniffled loudly, his expression immensely disappointed, turned around on his heels and hurried away.

"Don't ever come back, you hear me?" Jisung shouted. He felt triumphant. Now his life would finally get back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR SUCH A LATE UPDATE AGAIN  
> i had the hugest workload at uni and absolutely no will to write anything at all so i wonder how i got this chapter done  
> actually it was supposed to be much longer initially bc i wanted it to consist of even more episodes but i decided to split it up bc first of all, i didn't want to make you wait any longer, even though this chapter is not that long it's at least something, and secondly, i felt guilty for not uploading for more than 2 weeks and wanted to update myself 
> 
> and i would really love to get some feedback from you guys, so comments are VERY much appreciated, i need your motivation!!!!!


	5. it is torturous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw //  
> blood - small wounds, blood - graphic depiction  
> implied nsfw content, not too graphic ig (not explicit at least) 
> 
> also !!!!!!!!! please mind the time stamps when chats appear, some of the stamps may be very important 
> 
> ALSO i highly recommend listening to ' daughter - dreams of william ' while reading the whole chapter, you don't know yet but you need it

When Hyunjin told Changbin that he was going to meet with Jisung, Seo tried to be sincerely happy for his friend. He really did. 

But he couldn't. 

There was a bad feeling weighing over him. He hoped it was just a groundless weakness, like jealousy, yet it wasn't. Changbin could see that Hyunjin got blinded by an imaginary semblance of change, as if his predicament with Minho and Jisung was solved. Why imaginary? After all Changbin used to encourage Hyunjin in his striving for building up healthy relationships with his soulmates.

The reason was that whenever Hyunjin mentioned anything about Jisung's demeanour it triggered an unpleasant sensation inside of Changbin. As if there was something malevolent in the way Jisung behaved. But of course Changbin never told Hyunjin that. Seo kept hoping it was some sort of envy gnawing on his stomach. And he didn't want to spoil their friendship with Hyunjin because of his assumptions anyway. 

Today was the day Hyunjin was seeing Jisung, and Changbin didn't know what to do with himself, feeling worried for Hwang. Seo tried to stop overthinking, Hyunjin even promised to text Changbin afterwards, but nothing helped.

Oh god, would he always feel that way now when Hyunjin would be with Jisung all alone? Changbin would lose his mind in that case... 

He got a text when he thought about that and was quick to check the messenger app.

_11 june (5:19 pm)_

hyunjin:  
can i come over?

...what? That was very strange of Hyunjin to ask something like that, because he never did. He knew that no-one ever visited Changbin and that he was always free for the younger, so why was Hyunjin asking that all of a sudden? 

you:  
of course you can  
i'm gonna wait for you

And wasn't he meeting Jisung at 5 pm? Was nineteen minutes enough for a walk? Changbin had lots of questions to ask his friend, luckily Hyunjin would be here really soon.

hyunjin:  
see you in 20 minutes 

Changbin didn't need an explanation to understand that something went wrong when he saw his friend. Hyunjin's expression showed doom, his red wet eyes were empty, his pursed wounded lips quivered from time to time. The deep frown between his brows made him look like he had been contemplating something disappointing all his way here.

After taking a moment to watch Hyunjin's lifeless posture silently, Changbin muttered, "come in." He stepped back, giving Hyunjin some space. It was really hard to regain the somewhat placidity, Changbin had managed to get a while ago, when he saw how hurt Hyunjin looked.

When the blonde boy took his shoes off and awkwardly stared at the floor, Changbin noticed that Hyunjin's whole arm was trembling, his fist clenched tightly. Seo quickly reached to the younger's hand, not saying a word, and gasped when Hyunjin unclasped it reluctantly. His palm had four crescent-shaped bloody wounds from his nails apparently. 

"Why?" Changbin asked quietly, lifting his worried gaze to look Hyunjin at the face.

"Doesn't matter..." Hyunjin averted his eyes, feeling ashamed for some reason.

Changbin frowned and kept inspecting the other boy's arm with his gentle touch and then freezed. One of Hyunjin's markings had small cracks, some of them almost bleeding. 

"What?" Hyunjin noticed how the older stiffened on his place, finally venturing to look at Changbin. 

"Let's go clean your wounds and then talk, okay?" Changbin suggested carefully and Hyunjin agreed.

Changbin's heart ached each and every time Hyunjin hissed in pain when the water touched his palm. It was torturous for Seo as well. It felt like he could sense the pain too, and he hadn't felt anything like that since he'd lost Seungmin. Hyunjin's intense stare added to the mix of strong emotions that engulfed Changbin, and it seemed like he could explode at any moment. He wanted to cry so bad to let it all out, but he had to take care of Hyunjin first. Changbin needed to wait until Hyunjin fell asleep or left to give way to his emotions.

In a few minutes they settled on Changbin's bed, as if by tradition, after the older bandaged Hyunjin's hand. Hwang seemed much more calm now. All those shenanigans with the hand cleaning seemed to distract him.

"What happened?" Changbin dared to break the silence first.

Hyunjin fiddled with the small neat tie Changbin did on his bandage. "This whole thing was a lie. Jisung never tried. He called me a mistake again today," Hyunjin sniffled, his gaze fixed on his palm. He let some tears out, not being able to hold them in anymore. 

"Wait, so...he just...pushed you away?" Changbin furrowed his eyebrows. He didn't know what to think. 

"Yeah," Hyunjin chuckled humourlessly, forcing a strained grin on his face. "He hates me. He told me to back away and stop talking to Minho hyung. How can I?" He lifted his head, giving Changbin a lost look. "What if he texts me again? What should I do? Ignore him? I can't...I don't want to lose him," Hyunjin wept. 

Changbin kept silent, feeling how tears made hot wet tracks on his face too. It was very difficult to endure even if it wasn't his own pain. He hated to see Hyunjin so broken.

"Hyung...can you, please, be honest with me?" Hyunjin begged and Changbin nodded. "Do you think there is a way to make it better?"

"Your mark," Changbin mumbled, choking on tears.

"What?" Hyunjin gave him a confused glance, taking a look at his wrist.

"Look at it, it's cracked," Seo half-whispered in reply.

Hyunjin gazed at it with a shocked expression, "What does it mean?" He asked in a trembling voice. 

Changbin clenced his jaw before answering. Could he even break it too Hyunjin like that?

"Hyung," the younger cried.

"You can't do anything," Changbin answered, wincing, "it means your connection is broken forever."

"What?" Hyunjin sobbed. "How...I...Hyung..." He sobbed and sobbed. He seemed to completely lose his mind. He tugged on his blonde locks with his shaking hands, so Changbin moved forward and hugged Hyunjin as tightly as he could in such a weak state. 

The younger held onto him for dear life, shivering, and tried to catch his breath. He inhaled deeply and then exhaled silently. Changbin felt Hyunjin's chest heave over his while he rubbed the younger's back. It gave him a sense of deja vú, though situations like that became a regular occurrence, and though Changbin was happy to be there for Hyunjin, he felt exhausted emotionally at that point. Almost like a year ago when he had been unintentionally draining himself for a whole month after Seungmin's death.

Rhythmic slow swaying back and forth along with soothing touches quietened not only Hyunjin, but also Changbin, so now their tears dried up. They kept leaning onto each other, enjoying the warmth of their bodies. A short while ago Hyunjin shifted, so that their legs linked behind their backs, leaving no space between their bodies. The tension was unbearably intimate.

Hyunjin was the first one to pull away just a bit to look at Changbin from the corner of his eye. The older's breath hitched as if he was waiting for whatever Hyunjin was going to do. Hyunjin meantime looked his hyung directly in the eyes and then suddenly locked their foreheads together, closing his eyes. Changbin let his eyelids shut, feeling his heartbeat go feral. In his defence Hyunjin's was no better. The younger's arms were wrapped around Changbin's neck while Seo was embracing Hyunjin's thin waist.

Next moment Changbin felt Hyunjin's uninjured hand mess with his dark locks, the touch leaving a tingling sensation there. Changbin's head spinned. It was hot in the room now in a summer evening like this. Why hadn't Changbin opened the window? His eyes fluttered open, head still pressed to Hyunjin's forehead, noticing how the room was now washed in pink and purple shades because of the sunset. 

Changbin pulled away this time, eyeing Hyunjin with his misty vision, his head tilted. Hyunjin was so beautiful right now, and Changbin was so tired, though he savored being held in the younger's arms with every inch of his body. "I love you," it slipped once again, like the last time when they were in the park.

Hyunjin gave him the fondest and the saddest look ever, relocating his arms slowly so he could cup Changbin's face with his hands. Hyunjin leaned forward and stopped right in front of the older's face not daring to move further. Changbin inhaled sharply, not expecting Hyunjin to move closer so abruptly. 

"May I?" Hyunjin asked in a hushed voice. Changbin nodded mutely, thinking that he would let Hyunjin do anything he would like to. So, Hyunjin shortened the distance between their faces and kissed Changbin. The younger tried to be as gentle as he could to hide his inexperience and it endeared Changbin so, so much. 

After Hyunjin pulled away Changbin initiated the kiss as if trying to show the younger how it had to be done, biting his lip and making Hyunjin gasp in surprise. Changbin giggled into the kiss, taking Hwang aback. Seo used the opportunity to gently push Hyunjin's chest so that the boy fell on his back, Changbin now hovering over him, capturing his lips once again.

Gazing Hyunjin into the eyes, Changbin hesitated. Was that right to do so? Was he over Seungmin now? Could he forgive himself for being that close with Hyunjin when his boyfriend passed away only a year ago? What about Hyunjin's soulmates? Even if their relationships were complicated, they still were there, alive and breathing, Hyunjin loved Minho. Wasn't Changbin just a replacement then?

Hyunjin seemed to notice the swing in the mood, so he drew Changbin closer, holding his neck, connecting their lips again, obviously feeling much bolder now. And that was when Seo blocked all his thoughts out. He didn't care about anything at that moment. He felt all those strange things for the younger for too long, not for just these two months. 

The last few weeks were indeed complicated. And now all the tension could finally be released. Boys kept making out on Changbin's bed, letting themselves forget about all their worries and get completely swallowed by emotions. 

They wanted it all to last forever, but had to stop pretty soon as Hyunjin moaned in pain. At first Changbin thought it was his fault and he started to feel anxious about messing everything up already, when Hyunjin pulled his marked arm closer to see what caused such a severe aching. Both Changbin and Hyunjin gasped when they noticed cracks on the mark which belonged to Jisung open up and start bleeding vigorously. A few of the cracks even stretched out and got very close to Minho's marking, threatening to split it apart as well.

Petrified, boys kept eyeing the trickles of blood streaming down Hyunjin's arm as cracks got deeper and deeper with every second until it struck Hwang so hard he shouted and winced. Changbin met his wide shocked eyes, falling once again, but it wasn't the time for thinking of it now. They got a new challenge to deal with.

"Bathroom! Quick!" Changbin commanded, coming out of trance. Hyunjin jumped from bed after the older did so, holding his other hand under the bleeding one, so that his blood didn't get on the sheets and on the floor. They rushed to the bathroom, Hyunjin opening the basin faucet and Changbin reaching for the med kit the second time that day.

Rinsing the wounds didn't really help. Even though they were small, there were a great many of them and well...there was something magical to it. It was a soulmate mark after all. Changbin never faced such problem in his life, starting to panick because he didn't know how to help the younger. And Hyunjin seemed to be in haze now as he was slowly but surely losing blood.

"Oh my god, I'm gonna look it up in the Internet. Hyunjin, don't pass away!" Changbin stepped out of the room hastily, leaving giggling Hyunjin sit on the bath edge, his arm resting on the sink.

"Hyung, don't worry," Hyunjin grinned at him, blinking sluggishly, "I feel fine," he narrowed his misty eyes, still smiling. Hyunjin looked adorable, Changbin had to admit it, but the boy's state was getting worse and worse with every minute. His overall cuteness and sleepiness was caused by the exhaustion and the blood loss.

"Oh! Oh! I found it, Hyunjin!" Changbin almost jumped on his place. Hwang tried to focus on what his hyung was saying, but he looked drained, his lips forming a pout. "Okay, there is a special ointment, I'm gonna go get it to the nearest drug store. You hear me?" 

Hyunjin nodded, but Changbin couldn't leave him like that here, sitting on the bathtub edge. "Let me bandage your arm first, and then I'll go, okay? Hyunjin? Please, stay with me."

"Okay, hyung," Hyunjin murmured in reply and tried his best to stay awake, letting Changbin do whatever he found right.

Watching Hyunjin walk away hurriedly felt like victory to Jisung. The aching arm now felt like a minor inconvenience Han was used to at that point, so he was sure it would be easy to ignore it. He hoped Hyunjn would be smart enough to not tell Minho the truth about what had happened earlier. After all that nasty soulmate had promised to back away, and Minho didn't get better, so it was the only proper confluence of circumstances.

Jisung decided to actually stroll in the park to make Minho believe Han did take his time to walk with Hyunjin. Jisung loved summer. Minho loved it, too. Well, at least he used to.

These days it was hard to tell what Minho was really into. He turned into a disinterested and unconcerned weak version of himself, rarely leaving bed, almost hissing at the sunlight when Jisung tried to open the black curtains in their bedroom. Han loved when the sun woke him up in the morning, he was nearing his final exams and his whole mood had to be upbeat. But the despondency Minho radiated made it almost impossible for Jisung to enjoy something he loved before.

Both of them used to walk a lot during any season, especially during summers. One of them would take the other one by the arm, they would admire the world's beauty and giggle non-stop. And now all of that was gone. Minho wasn't capable of savoring things he used to cherish anymore. It was too much for his emotional range that diminished to very low levels. 

Yet again, he got very enthusiastic about Jisung and Hyunjin's get-together. It lit something up inside of Lee and Han hoped it would last al least for two days, so he could talk to his boyfriend for at least an hour, not bickering or crying which seemed to take all their time recently. 

Jisung was thinking of returning home after a while when his arm stung with a pain so vigorous, he almost blacked out and then saw black spots in wherever direction he looked. He turned his attention to his arm to yelp in shock as it started to bleed. How was he supposed to explain that to Minho? He had to come up with something, but first of all he needed to find a drug store.

"You're home!" Jisung heard Minho say from his back, almost jumping in surprise. He actually hoped the older would be in bed as usual, so Han didn't have to come up with a lie to explain what had happened to his burst wrist.

"Yeah! Hi!" Jisung tried to sound enthusiastic, hiding his hand. Minho seemed to not notice anything yet.

"How was it?" Minho beamed. Jisung was taken aback by his smile. Han hadn't seen his boyfriend smile this brightly in what seemed like ages.

"The walk? Oh, i-it was okay," Jisung answered, trying to carefully pass by Minho. "I wanna wash my hands if you don't mind..." Han mumbled, almost escaping the small hall, when he got caught by Minho. 

Lee grabbed the bandage-free arm, asking, "What the hell is that then?"

Jisung turned around on his heels, trying to stay nonchalant, "Oh, it's...you know...we saw a cat...you know how...Hyunjin likes cats...so..."

"So?" Minho encouraged him with an unreadable expression. 

"So we wanted to pet it...and it...uhm...scratched me!" Jisung was satisfied with his shenanigan. That definitely sounded convincing. 

"Right on the soulmate mark?"

Shit. "Yeah! So weird..."

"Jisung," Minho narrowed his eyes.

"Yes?" Jisung squinted, faltering.

"You're so terrible at lying...Hyunjin likes dogs, if only you listened to him. I wonder if you really ever listened to him," Minho's tone was accusing. 

"Of course I did!" Jisung feigned offence, folding his arms.

"Jisung, I don't understand," Minho inhaled shakily. "Why are you doing that?" Minho was on the verge of tears. "I'm only...asking you...to tell me the truth," he begged with fading strength.

Jusung bit his lip before answering. "Okay, we...quarrelled...I guess..." He averted his gaze, hoping Minho would believe him. It wasn't completely a lie after all.

"I knew it...I shouldn't have left you two alone," Minho gasped dramatically, tugging on his fringe.

"Minho don't start it-"

"I haven't...started anything yet," he warned Jisung crossly, furrowing his brows. "I'm gonna go text him, and I hope you will apologize," Minho turned around and headed to the bedroom.

"And if I say it was his fault?" Jisung shouted at his boyfriend's back.

"I won't believe you then," Minho answered quietly, but Jisung heard it, huffing.

Hyunjin wouldn't bother them anymore. Jisung was sure of it now. Even though Minho went to text their soulmate, Jisung knew Hyunjin wouldn't hold the conversation. Han let him know very well that he wasn't welcomed in their lives anymore. 

His arm stung again, and the messily wrapped bandage was all soaked in blood now. Jisung had to handle it on his own again.

After a few minutes of struggling with bandaging himself Jisung was almost ready to give up and just...bleed, however Minho showed up in the kitchen door, wearing a somewhat condemning, yet fond expression on his face. Lee silently stepped into the room, taking the objects from Jisung's hands and starting to do all the work himself. 

With every second it was harder and harder for Minho to concentrate on Jisung's wrist, Lee's movements becoming slower and his mind dizy. He could feel Han's breath on his skin. And then there were lips on Minho's neck, while he tried to finish tying the bandage. It was the most intimate moment they had had in quite some time.

"Jisung..." Minho muttered, starting to clean the mess they'd made, but failing, as Jisung pulled Minho closer, hugging his waist. Jisung, sitting on the chair, hid his face in the area of Minho's abdomen, and Lee buried his hand in his boyfriend's soft brown hair.

Jisung lifted his head, looking up at Minho with a gaze Lee didn't think he'd be able to endure. Han stood up finally, locking eyes with his boyfriend, and leaned in, kissing him slowly and quiveringly. Jisung was afraid Minho would push him away and shout or cry, but instead Lee kissed back with accruing hunger that was filling their minds gradually.

Sliding his hands down Minho's back, Jisung reached his boyfriend's hips, picking him up under them. Minho wrapped his legs around Han's waist. Lee had lost a lot of weight recently, so Jisung easily carried him to their bedroom, carefully laying him down on the bed.

They took a moment to look each other in the eyes while panting as they pulled away from the kiss just now. Jisung hovered over the older, caressing his cheek, and Minho brushed Jisung's locks from his forehead with overwhelming tenderness. 

Both of them stopped moving for a moment, comprehending what all their current actions were leading to. Boys locked gazes again as if looking for consent in each other's eyes. Minho nodded scarcely noticeable, but it was all Jisung needed at that moment. He covered his boyfriend's mouth with his own lips, making their breaths hitch.

That evening their bodies aligned perfectly. Senses seemed to be exacerbated, bringing them both immense pleasure. It felt like they made up for all the missed opportunities and touch deprivation they'd had to deal with during that gruelling time. Jisung and Minho couldn't get enough of each other's bodies that day, yet it drained them completely. Yet, they felt contented and in love more than ever.

That evening was the best for the last two months.

After Changbin was finished with healing Hyunjin, the younger boy started to feel much better, regaining strength and energy. His sorrowful mood turned playful, smile never leaving his face. When Changbin came up to Hyunjin who was sitting on the bed Hwang drew the older closer abruptly and bit into his mouth.

"Hyunjin, no," Changbin hoped to halt Hyunjin, but the younger wasn't listening. It all just didn't feel right to Seo because they hadn't yet come up to any agreement or discussed what had happened to them that evening. Changbin couldn't let himself follow the passion blindly as he always tended to think rationally. 

"Hyunjin, seriously, stop it," he pushed the younger away, taking a step back, sensing how swollen his lips had become. 

"Sorry," Hyunjin faltered a little, eyeing Changbin like a guilty cat, his gaze cunning and only a tad apologetic. "I got carried away," he brushed his hair behind his ear nervously. 

Changbin softened, seeing Hyunjin waver, "hey I just...wanted to talk before we do something we might regret," the older fumbled as well.

"You're right, we should talk," Hyunjin nodded to himself and made more space for Changbin to sit down. The latter stroked Hyunjin's hip gently not meaning anything salacious by it. It was the gesture of reassurance, indicating Changbin wasn't mad.

"How do you feel?" Changbin decided to ask first.

"I feel..." Hyunjin took a look at his hand and then met Changbin's eyes, "placid. I'm fine. Not sad at all. Maybe that's because I'm with you?" There was nothing flirty to Hyunjin's tone. The boy was sincere, a small frown between his brows proving it.

Changbin hummed. "What about Jisung and Minho? What do you feel towards them?"

"Uhm...well...it's pretty simple with Jisung. I'm disappointed...but I expected it, so it wouldn't be difficult to get over it. I'll just...stop thinking about it," Hyunjin concluded calmly.

"Stop thinking? What about Minho then?" 

"He actually texted me while you were cleaning up..." Hyunjin sighed heavily, staring at the floor, fiddling with his fingers. "I don't know what to do."

"Can you show me?" Changbin hoped it would help them to decide what to do.

"Sure," Hyunjin stood up to take his phone from Changbin's desk and gave the device to his hyung plumping back onto the bed, sitting in a yoga pose.

Changbin carefully read into the words.

_11 june (6:43 pm)_

minho hyung:  
hyunjinnie jisung told me you quarrelled   
i'm so sorry for him...  
i'm sure it wasn't your fault

you:  
it was my fault

minho hyung:  
don't cover him up  
i know when he's lying  
i still think he didn't tell me something  
will you?

you:  
no hyung  
everything's okay now  
actually i should go  
i'm at changbin's

minho hyung:  
oh sorry for interrupting!

you:  
no it's okay

minho hyung:  
i'll text you later then?

you:  
yeah

"It's strange, but...he sounds offended," Changbin assumed.

"I know...But Jisung lied to him. We to quarrel because of me, what a nonsense," Hyunjin huffed grumpily.

"That's why you weren't eloquent with Minho?"

"Hyung, what can I do? Jisung told me to back away," Hyunjin whined.

"And you'll just leave Minho with him? Hyung needs you," Changbin didn't understand. 

"Then what? Okay, I tell him that Jisung pushed me away again. What Minho gonna do? He'll be frustrated. I'll be there for him while we see each other in the park twice a week, but then he'll go home where he lives with Jisung. Minho will have to suffer more because of me if I tell him the truth," Hyunjin got a tad worked-up.

"It's not you fault-"

"I know," Hyunjin snapped and then sighed. "But Jisung made it look like it is. The only option I have now is to step back. I don't wanna leave Minho just like that, but there's really nothing I can do..." he looked away. "Hyung gets worse and worse. I tried to come up with so many plans where I take Minho away from Jisung and take care of him, but...he loves Jisung. He doesn't love me that way. And I don't either." Hyunjin was very emotional saying all thay. "Our connection with Jisung has been destroyed today, you told me that. I can't...deal with it anymore...I've had enough," Hyunjin choked on the last words and ducked his head.

Changbin moved closer and pressed Hyunjin's head softly to his own chest, patting the younger's back. "I understand. You're tired."

"Yes, very tired." He suddenly pulled away, gazing Changbin in the eyes with determination, "I really am going to end it, hyung," Hyunjin claimed firmly and Changbin frowned.

"What do you mean?" He muttered.

"No more soulmate struggles!" Hyunjin squeezed Changbin's hands, exclaiming.

"Huh?"

"Yes! I'll let it go!"

"But you can't!" Changbin reined him. 

"Huh? Why?" Hwang was genuinely confused.

"Did you forget you're connected? Your distancing will affect both you and Minho! Do you want to die?" 

Hyunjin's shoulders slumped, his whole posture wilting once again. "I forgot..." Changbin chuckled at that. "But wait! I'll just take pills!"

"It's no that simple..." Changbin shook his head, wondering how naive Hyunjin was. "You'll have to visit the hospital a lot."

"I will."

"And eat properly."

"I will."

"And sleep well."

"I will."

"And-"

"Hyung!" Hyunjin exclaimed, getting a bit annoyed, but at the same time amused. He was smiling. "I'll do anything! I don't want to die. I wanna live. With you," he bit his lip, waiting for Changbin's reaction.

Seo tried his best to bite down his smile, but failed. He beamed at Hyunjin, "with me?" He inquired ironically, chuckling.

"Hyung," Hyunjin crawled closer to Changbin, standing on his knees and cupping Seo's face with his hands. "I love you. I wish you were my soulmate."

They stared each other in the eyes for some time, and then both of them leaned in, connecting their lips. The kiss wasn't as heated as some time ago, but Hyunjin gnawed on Changbin's lip anyway. 

"You bite a lot," Changbin whispered when they pulled away from each other, pressing their foreheads together. 

"You don't like it?" There was an anxious note in Hyunjin's voice.

"I do. It's hot," Changbin deadpanned and Hyunjin smiled brightly, making the older's heart beat faster and the palms get sweaty. Hyunjin was the most gorgeous boy in the whole universe. "You know what?" Changbin suddenly suggested. 

"Hm?"

"Let's go for a walk!" Changbin jumped off the bed, dragging Hyunjin with him.

"Now?" The younger whined, looking out the window. It was already getting darker, probably a bit colder, and Hyunjin anyway hoped to keep doing what they were up to.

"Yeah. We have the whole night for ourselves, don't we?" Changbin gave Hyunjin a lopsided grin, making Hwang feel endeared with his hyung.

"You're right. Let's go."

Hyunjin was happy he actually went outside as there was nothing better than a late evening walk with Changbin. A warm summer night was slowly falling down on the city, igniting the streetlights. The alleys were empty, creating the feeling like Hyunjin and Changbin were the only people in the whole world. Hwang felt secure holding his hyung's hand. He couldn't stop smiling because of how comfortable and joyful it was to be next to Changbin. And after the boys came home, they couldn't keep their hands off each other, messing around the house. 

It was the best evening in Hyunjin's whole life.

* * *

The illusion of relationship between all three soulmates getting better was slowly dissipating in Minho's mind as he started to suspect something was terribly wrong.

It all began with little worries that were caused by Minho and Hyunjin's online chatting. There was something to Hwang's behaviour that was very unlike him.

_14 june (6:54 pm)_

you:  
jinnie you haven't texted me in a while  
you used to text a lot  
did i do anything wrong?

hyunjinnie:  
of course no, hyung  
it's an exam season now  
i'm sure jisung is preparing a lot these days too

you:  
oh yeah!  
i completely forgot you're preparing too!  
jisung is never home these days  
he's always staying in the library or with other students 

_16 june (8:12 pm)_

you:  
how is the preparation going?

_18 june (2:50 pm)_

you:  
hyunjin?

hyunjinnie:  
yeah hyung sorry  
i'm all in studying these days too  
like jisung

you:  
how about changbin?

hyunjinnie:  
we're studying together 

you:  
i hope you get some rest and eat well though!

_23 june (11:11 pm)_

you:  
jinnie i know that you're very busy   
but maybe you have at least some time?  
at least an hour?  
i think i got a little bit better   
and i have some energy to go outside 

hyunjinnie:  
hyung i'm so so sorry  
but i really can't 

you:  
oh it's okay  
i understand   
i'll wait then? 

And there was no response. Hyunjin simply stopped answering at some point, and Minho didn't know what caused it. He tried to believe the main reason the younger got distant was the exam week, which was indeed terrific (Minho knew it firsthand). However, he sensed it was much bigger than just stressful time that made Hyunjin and him drift apart.

Minho decided to stop bothering Hwang to wait if Hyunjin would text Lee himself. There was a glimmer of hope in Minho's heart. He missed Hyunjin a lot. Missed his soft blonde hair, his sweet scent, his adorable contagious laughter, his fond gaze and, most importantly, his warmth. The boy was so understanding and accepting, always forgiving what Minho and Jisung did wrong. Even though Lee was infatuated with Jisung's touch, nothing could compare with the tenderness of Hyunjin's hands. 

Minho's state got highly unstable and started to differ from day to day. It felt like a ride on a roller coaster.

Sometimes Minho would feel serene, as if nothing could ever bother him. He got aloof and would keep silent the whole day. And Jisung didn't usually notice it, being too exhausted to communicate himself.

When Minho was alone and extremely apathetic, he filled the emptiness inside of him with the warm light of the wall lamp that hung over the kitchen table where Lee tended to spend all the recent evenings. He made himself a mint tea without sugar and eyed the spider which was making a web in a decorative grapevine on the wall right next to the lamp. The tea Minho made reminded him of Hyunjin, as it was the boy's favourite drink. So, Lee quickly poured the liquid out into the sink in order to not get too emotional, or else he wouldn't be able to deal with it. 

It was somewhat cozy. Though right up to the moment when Minho remembered he was actually holding by a thread. In that case everything turned into a torment. 

The silence of the room was ringing in his ears, causing unendurable migraines. It hurt. The loneliness hurt so much, Minho thought his heart was being torn to pieces. It's rate speeded up insanely and Minho choked with tears on that goddamned kitchen with the wall lamp and the spider web and the decorative grapevine, thinking he was abandoned forever.

That was when Minho was overwhelmed with emotions. He would stress out because of how his relationship with Jisung fell apart and how much he needed Hyunjin around but couldn't reach him. Minho loved both boys way too much for his own good. His heart became too weak for such a torture. It required lots of energy Minho lacked.

The last grains of it were spent on innumerable squabbles with Jisung when Han was in the mood to talk. Yet it never ended well. Minho saw that Jisung tried to improve everything they'd already ruined but something obstructed it, so each and every conversation they held ended in a quarrel and a slam of the front door. 

On the day of the last exam Minho felt uncharacteristically light. There wasn't a single nasty thought in his head, only happiness for Jisung who would finally be able to rest after a complicated study year. Waiting for his boyfriend to return, Minho remembered about Hyunjin as well. Today the boy could be taking his final exam as well. Minho felt an urge to text him.

_31 june (4:02 pm)_

you:  
hi hyunjinnie  
sorry to bother you again  
you don't answer my texts  
and you don't text me too  
i understand though  
you don't want to  
or maybe it's jisung  
right?  
he told you something, i'm sure  
it doesn't matter anyway  
i'm sorry for everything   
i hope you and changbin pass all your exams well, you are clever boys 

_31 june (6:13 pm)_

hyunjinnie:  
hyung?  
hyung what was that for

Hyunjin took his last exam and was on his way to Changbin's apartment when he decided to finally check his phone for any new messages. It was too difficult to ignore Minho and Hwang tried his best every day not to give up and text Lee. Today though he was emotionally drained and couldn't think straight. Minho's words were so sincere and unsettling, Hyunjin couldn't leave them on read. And now Minho didn't reply and Hyunjin thought he may go crazy.

Luckily, he had Changbin. The older provided Hyunjin with the comfort he craved, wrapping him up in a soft plaid, preliminarily making him his favourite tea.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," Hyunjin muttered, leaning to Changbin's side while they were sitting on the sofa, mindlessly switching TV programmes.

"Anything for you, baby. What are you so worried about?" Changbin wrapped his arm around Hyunjin's shoulders, squeezing one of them reassuringly. "You literally radiate anxious aura."

Hyunjin would love to giggle but he was too distressed. "Minho texted me something so strange today, and it seemed like-"

Hyunjin was interrupted by multiple buzzing of his phone. Someone sent him three messages. 

"It's from Jisung," Hyunjin's voice wavered. "I'm scared," his hands started to shake, "can y-you check it for me?"

Changbin nodded, watching Hyunjin worriedly, while the younger passed his phone to Seo.

"Let's go," Changbin mumbled in a moment with a stony expression after reading the messages. 

"What?"

_31 june (7:03 pm)_

jisung:  
it's jisung  
mjnho is innthe hospital   
' location attached '

Hyunjin didn't care when the nurse at the reception shouted at them. He kept running towards the right room to see Minho. He felt like he could be late, so he ran as fast as he could. 

"Jisung?" Hyunjin asked, trying to catch his breath when he stepped into the room. Han turned around, all pale and crying, his red eyes wide-open.

"Go out, Jisung," Minho demanded quietly. 

"But-"

"I said go out. Let me talk to him, I already talked to you," Minho's tone was firm, but he sounded exhausted. Jisung seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then left hurriedly, glimpsing at Hyunjin from the corner of his eye.

"Hyung-"

"I'm sorry, Hyunjin," Minho suddenly apologized, ducking his head.

"Hyung, what are you talking about?" Hyunjin came up to him, feeling tears well up in his eyes.

"Jinnie, I'm so glad I got to experience being your soulmate," Minho lifted his gaze, "you're way too good for us, baby, we didn't deserve you. I'm sorry I failed to improve our connection, between all of us."

"It wasn't your fault," Hyunjin whispered, not believing his ears.

"Thank you for all the memories we've made together. I'll keep them forever. You're a very good person, Hyunjinnie. I'm glad you have Changbin by your side. He'll help you manage," Minho reached for Hwang's hand, weakly holding it.

"Wh-why are you saying that all of a sudden," Hyunjin exhaled sharply, crying, but keeping a blank expression on his face.

"I think it's time I say goodbye?" Minho blinked sluggishly. 

"Hyung?"

"I love you, Jinnie," Minho muttered, small smile curving his beautiful chapped lips, and closed his eyes.

"Minho hyung?" Hyunjin felt a grasp on his hand loosen, Minho's hand falling on the bed with a quiet thump. And then there was a flat line, beeping on the special apparatus to which Minho was connected. 

"Hyung? Hyung, no. No, no, no, no. HYUNG!" Hyunjin yelled. "No, hyung, don't go," he sobbed, grasping Minho's still warm hand.

The noise he made drew Jisung's and Changbin's attention, so they entered the room. "What's happening?" Hyunjin heard Jisung's high-pitched voice and felt a bolt of pain flash through all his limbs.

"Minho?" Jisung muttered. "Minho, baby, do you hear me?" Hyunjin was slowly taking small steps back, shocked and concerned about Jisung, while the latter approached the bed on his shaky legs.

"Minho, no," Jisung winced, immediately starting to cry again with new force, "NO!" He shouted. "NO, MINHO, YOU CAN'T!"

Hyunjin watched the scene in front of him in disbelief, his head empty. He kept crying, but his expression showed no emotions at all. He saw several medics run into the room to calm hysterical Jisung down. He kept calling Minho's name and then turned to Hyunjin. 

"IT'S YOUR FAULT! I HATE YOU! YOU KILLED HIM!"

Hyunjin's vision got blurry, he felt Changbin's arms wrap around his frame, suddenly sensing enormous weakness in his legs. He saw one of the doctors inject shouting Jisung with something. 

"Let's go home, please," Hyunjin whispered, feeling like he could lose his consciousness at any moment. 

Hyunjin didn't utter a word for three days since he and Changbin left the hospital. He sensed his pulse thump in his temples almost all the time, feeling too hot or too cold. He showed no emotions all that time and let Seo take care of him. Days passed by in a haze. Hyunjin got insomnia and spent three nights staring at the ceiling, doing nothing at all. On the fourth night though, he was dragged into a dusturbing dream. At first it was vague, but unsettling and then he saw Minho.

_"Hyung?"_

_"HELP HIM!" Minho shouted from afar. He was sobbing._

_"Who? Hyung didn't you-"_

_"PLEASE HELP HIM, HYUNJIN!" Minho begged. "DON'T LET HIM DIE!"_

Suddenly there was a loud scream, and Hyunjin felt like he was swaying on his place. The dream seemed way too real.

"Hyunjin?" He herd someone call his name. "Hyunjin, wake up!"

"Minho?" Hyunjin opened his eyes, switching into a sitting position. "Hyung," Hwang focused his gaze on Changbin. 

"Jinnie, you were screaming-"

"Hyung, get up. GET UP!" Hyunjin jumped up, looking for his clothes. 

"What are you doing, Hyunjin?"

"Minho asked me to help Jisung," Hyunjin stated as a matter of fact as if there was nothing strange to his words. After a few moments of frantically flouncing around the room Hyunjin noticed that Changbin was still sitting on the bed, watching him intently with a deep frown between his brows.

"Don't you believe me?" Hyunjin stopped, asking in a small voice.

"I do."

The door to Jisung and Minho's apartment wasn't locked. Han seemed to not care about anything anymore.

It was three in the morning, but there was a bar of warm light, coming from the kitchen. "Jisung?" Hyunjin tried to call for Han, praying for the younger to be fine. 

"I'll go to the kitchen, you go check bathroom," Hyunjin instructed Changbin, feeling his heart beat insanely fast in his chest. Seo nodded and they parted ways.

For some reason, Hyunjin felt terrified, carefully approaching the kitchen door. He heard how loud his breathing was. Hwang gulped before slowly opening the door, and when he saw Jisung he whimpered, feeling nauseous.

"Hyunjin? What happened? Is he-" Changbin entered the room after Hwang, and tried to gather all his thoughts together. He turned petrified Hyunjin around, shaking him slightly. "Look at me, Hyunjin. He's gonna be fine. _No!_ Don't look! Go call an ambulance. You hear me?" First few tears escaped Hyunjin's eyes and he nodded mutely, his lips trembling. He left the room.

Changbin sighed, bending down in front of unconscious Jisung, whose arms were brutally slit with a kitchen knife. Jisung was sitting in the puddle of his own blood, barely breathing. Changbin tried his best to prevent the boy from bleeding even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so..I'M SORRY..............  
> i really REALLY want to know your thoughts about this chapter and about everything that has happened there, so please!!!!!! comment to let me know how it was, it took me many tears to write it
> 
> and please!!! if it made you sad, don't become too disappointed :cc there's one more chapter left, you have 3 more characters to meet, and probably you'll like the ending, who knows !!
> 
> you can shout at me about my fic or about anything else in my twt! @ksinkinsink


	6. torturous, but i'll manage

"Okay, guys. You can have a break for now. I need to check on someone. See you here in fifteen minutes," the mentor of Changbin's group, Chan, said and quickly disappeared in the long hospital hall.

"Bin, let's go get something to drink," Changbin heard Wooyoung's raspy voice call for him. "I think I've seen a coffee machine in the restroom." 

The boy looked quite comical in the white coat, Changbin wondered if he appeared as ridiculous as his friend did. Yet, they had to get used to wearing special clothes anyway if they wanted to work in the psychiatric clinic.

"Yeah, let's go," Changbin agreed and they headed towards the staircase. 

When two interns were coming down the fleet of stairs a brown-haired scrawny boy met them halfway. The staircase was too narrow to freely pass by one another, so the boy reflexively lifted his head and locked eyes with Seo.

"Hyung?"

"Jisung?" 

Changbin couldn't believe his eyes. Han Jisung was the last person Seo expected to encounter here, at the hospital. Especially after everything that had happened to them.

"You know each other?" Wooyoung inquired, looking shocked and confused, his gaze darting between two boys. 

Curiosity boiled Changbin's blood, making him want to talk to the younger boy to find out what he had been up to all this time. Seo couldn't explain why he suddenly got so interested in Jisung, but now the harrowing circumstances that split them apart were long forgotten in Changbin's mind. He firmly decided to not let Jisung leave until they speak to each other.

"Yeah, uhm...can you, please, get me something and I'll come in a few minutes?" Changbin winced, feeling embarrassed to ask Wooyoung for it.

But Wooyoung simply replied with, "sure", not finding the request demanding at all, so he left his friend alone with the brown-haired guy. 

"What are you doing here?" Jisung asked, looking distressed.

"I'm interning here. Psychiatry is my major," Changbin scratched his neck. It was awkward standing there with Jisung whom Seo hadn't seen for a whole year. "How are you, Jisung?"

"I'm okay..." Han ducked his head. Changbin could finally take some time to pay more attention to Han's appearance: a sallow face, huge dark eyebags, pink long scars on his arms that were opened to Changbin's sight as Jisung was wearing a black T-shirt. All that was the reason why Seo couldn't believe Jisung was truly fine.

"How's Hyun-Hyunjin? If you're still-"

"He's okay, too," Changbin cut Jisung off and the younger's posture became even smaller than it had been before. Something inside of Changbin was telling him that he should have been mad for Jisung to ask about Hwang so blatantly, but instead Seo's curiousity progressed. How had Jisung's life been going since the they last saw him? Since they had saved him from a suicide attempt and parted ways after Jisung woke up?

"It probably would sound ridiculous, and you have all the right to say 'no', but..."

"But?"

"I'd really want to meet with you and Hyunjin somewhere to...apologize...for everything," Jisung was staring at the floor and biting the inside of his lip.

Changbin contemplated Han's words for a moment. Jisung looked sincerely sorry and he was obviously afraid of rejection. 

"I can't warrant that Hyunjin would want to see you, but...we can exchange numbers, I guess," Changbin offered calmly, wondering himself how he managed to stay that imperturbable. 

Jisung jerked his head, his somewhat lifeless eyes lighting up, "thank you so much."

"I didn't do anything," Changbin faltered. 

"You can't even imagine how much you did right now."

Meeting Changbin in the clinic had definitely knocked Jisung out. He believed he made a great progress in handling and improving his state, but in fact Jisung was nowhere near 'fine', so he lost the touch with reality for some time.

All the unsettling memories kept bugging Jisung's sick mind, gradually overtaking his dreams and turning them into wearing nightmares. Han had just stopped taking sleeping pills on the regular basis and he really wasn't keen on the idea of getting addicted to them once again. That was why he kept spending the nights in the living room of his apartment, mindlessly staring into the TV screen.

During one of such late evenings, when Jisung kept pressing buttons on the remote control, sleepy Felix, his black hair a disheveled mess, appeared in the doorway. 

"I woke you up? Sorry," Jisung apologized. Felix rubbed his eyes with his fists like little children did and approached Han sluggishly, falling onto the sofa next to his friend. Jisung turned his attention to Felix, eyeing the boy's puffy face. He reminded Han of a really cute baby, and, well, he _was_ a baby to Jisung. He tried his best to take good care of Felix. 

"When will you go to sleep? It's scary without you," Felix mumbled and placed his head on Jisung's shoulder, closing his eyes.

"I can go lie down with until you fall asleep," Han suggested and Lee lifted his head, trying to focus on Jisung's dimly-lit face.

"Are you okay?" Felix pouted, his eyes half-lided. "You've been so weird lately."

"Says you," Jisung teased him in order to avoid answering the question. 

"Touché," Lee chuckled softly. "But anyway. Will you tell me what's wrong? Your dismay drives me crazy."

"Aren't you already?" 

"I mean...even crazier than I am."

"I'm sorry," Jisung averted his gaze, smile disappearing from his face. 

"No-o," Felix whined, playfully tugging Jisung's arm back and forth. "Just tell me what's wrong." Lee already took a comfortable position, getting ready to listen to his friend, so Jisung guessed there was no way out for him out of this conversation. 

"I met someone from the past," Jisung started from afar.

"Someone who knew your soulmate?" Felix rested his chin on one of his hands, sitting in the yogi pose.

"Yeah. He's very close with Hyunjin and he knew Minho," Jisung continued slowly, finding it difficult to reminisce about the gone days.

"Hyunjin used to be your soulmate, right?" Felix furrowed his brows, trying hard not to fall asleep and stay concentrated. The boy was always forthright due to his diagnosis, not only during tre nights, so Jisung wasn't too affected by straightforward questions. He got used to how Felix was.

"Yeah, and I actually...I want to see him."

"Why?" 

"I have a lot to say to him," Jisung looked Felix right in the eyes. "I really need to apologize."

"So what are you waiting for?" Felix shook his head, still frowning. 

"Hyunjin may not want to see me. And I would understand him. I anyway have his friend's number. I think he would text me once he talks to Hyunjin."

"Hm-m," Felix took his time to process all the information he'd received. "That was why you couldn't sleep?"

"I keep seeing how Minho suffers in my nightmares. I can't...endure it," Jisung suddenly felt tears well up in his eyes. 

"Let's go lie down together. I'll tell you a story Jeongin told me yesterday," Felix stood up, stretching his arm towards Jisung as if asking Han to go with him.

"Felix, we told you many times. Jeongin doesn't exist," Jisung stood up as well, following Felix to the bedroom.

"He does! He just hides from gloomy people!"

"Sure."

Changbin couldn't get rid of the tingling nostalgic feeling after he had met Jisung. Memories kept popping up in Seo's head and made him quite uneasy, so he had to prepare mentally for a few days before breaking it to Hyunjin.

The thing was that Hyunjin changed a lot after what happened to both his soulmates. He had surely been quite reserved even before getting closer with Changbin, but there was always something bubbling inside of the younger, making him gleam with iridescent energy. He used to be very warm and soft, giving many smiles to Changbin, never shutting up about something he was enthusiastic about. And Seo loved it, even adored. Such Hwang's traits were dear to the older. However, Hyunjin lost all his vivacity after such traumatic experience.

Since they last saw Jisung Hwang became the very opposite of himself. He rarely showed any emotions, Changbin thought he didn't even see Hyunjin cry at least once during the whole year. Hwang became taciturn at some point, so he learnt to show his feelings in a different way, through the touch. Hynjin turned extremely tactile, and Changbin, loving the skinship himself, was more than happy to provide Hyunjin with what he strove for.

It even seemed like their connection became stronger due to that change in attitude, as if they started to understand each other better on a spiritual level. Hyunjin didn't really need to say anything for Changbin to understand what was wrong, and vise versa Hyunjin always knew when to provide his boyfriend comfort or when to leave him alone.

 _Oh, yeah._ They started dating a year ago. It was a bit more difficult than Changbin had imagined to start the whole thing, as Hyunjin had almost enclosed in himself and even tried to cut off all the connections with the real world, but the older was quick to prevent Hwang from doing that and explained that hiding wasn't worth it. That way, Hyunjin comprehended that he felt much better when Changbin was by his side, so did Changbin. 

"You've been aloof these days. Has something happened?" Hyunjin asked in a placid manner that was now inherent for him.

Changbin, always being quite a straightforward person, couldn't suppress it anymore, so he confessed, "I've met Jisung during my internship in the hospital."

There was a loud sound of the breaking glass which fell on the kitchen floor, so Changbin reflexively turned around on the chair to face the petrified Hyunjin. Hwang's gaze was empty and transparent, his hands still lifted and forming a shape of the glass which the boy had been holding. They started to shake slightly and then Hyunjin's whole body started shivering, him still staring at one point. 

Changbin got up and came up to the younger, taking his trembling hands in his and leading him away from the spot where there were many pieces of broken glass on the floor.

"The glass..." Hyunjin mumbled absent-mindedly, finally regaining some consciousness. 

"It's okay, I'll take care of it. Let's get you to sit down." Changbin pulled Hyunjin closer and seated him on the chair by the table, while Seo himself went for a broom and a dustpan to sweep the glass away. He didn't expect such a reaction from Hyunjin and now regretted ever telling the younger about Jisung. Changbin didn't want Hyunjin to return to the state he was in right after Minho's passing when Hwang used to stay silent for several days straight on a regular basis. 

Seo already started panicking while cleaning the mess up, but Hyunjin suddenly asked in a quiet voice, "How's he doing? Jisung."

Changbin thought he was delusional for a second, but he figured out he had to answer something, "I...I'm not sure...though..." Changbin stood up, facing Hyunjin, who slowly lifted his head to meet Changbin's eyes. "We exchanged numbers because he wanted to see you...to apologize, he said."

"Will you go with me?" Hyunjin kept staring into Seo's eyes.

"What? You wanna go? So easily?" Changbin was surprised that Hyunjin agreed so fast without even thinking. 

"I guess I should. I have to...figure something out." Turned out Hyunjin did think a lot before. "I...my chest feels heavy all the time. It feels like I have something to solve with him. Something keeps making me uneasy."  
  
Changbin was struck by such a long speech from Hyunjin, so he just stood there, looking at the younger incredulously, his mouth agape. 

"So, you'll be there for me?" Hyunjin repeated his question, hope lacing his words. 

"Of course, I will."

"Ready to meet him again?" Changbin dumbly asked when Hyunjin and him stopped in front of the cafe's door.

"Hyung, we're already here anyway." There was a faint smirk, curving Hyunjin's lips, and Changbin was happy to see his boyfriend that way, showing some new emotions.

"I mean...it's still not late to cancel it," Changbin smiled as well.

"I think you're more worried than I am," Hyunjin was really chuckling this time, which took Changbin aback.

"You're not worried at all!" Changbin protested and then noticed someone with his peripheral vision. 

"Um...hello?" They both turned around to see awkwardly standing Jisung in the same black T-shirt. "Should we come in?"

All three boys went for coffee and, after it was made, settled in a secluded area next to the window. There were grapevines and some other plants everywhere. The walls were covered with decorative bricks, making the place extremely cozy. The violet sky outside the window and the dim lighting inside of the cafe added even more to the calming atmosphere, making all the guests feel comfortable. 

"Your hair," Jisung suddenly pointed out, "It's not blonde anymore."

"Yeah," Hyunjin coyly put the strand of his still long raven hair behind his ear. "I decided to keep growing them but not dying anymore. It reminded me of...all those...events."

"I'm sorry," Jisung abruptly ducked his head.

"Jisung-"

"No, let me...I have a lot to say," Han lifted his head and looked at both Hyunjin and Changbin with a serious expression. 

"Okay, go on," Hyunjin encouraged him and then felt Changbin take his hand and squeeze it reassuringly under the table.

"First of all, you can't even imagine how grateful I am that you agreed to see me. I really don't deserve this after all I've said and done to you." Jisung's gaze was fixed on the table because he was obviously ashamed to look any of them in the eyes while recalling the past.

"You both literally saved my life. I don't know why and how you figured out what I was gonna do to myself, but...you really didn't have to. And it first I was so mad that you did it. I wanted to die, I lost my reason to live," Jisung swallowed hard and looked through the window at the lively summer street.

"But now I'm happy you did. I got to reflect on my life a lot. If i had died that day I wouldn't have been able to understand all the harm I've caused you. I don't think my soul would have found peace either. And now I have the reason to keep fighting."

"What's that?" Changbin asked, frowning as he was listening carefully. 

"He's name is Felix. He's the bestest friend I could ever ask for. We met at the psychiatric clinic when I was recovering. The boy's soulmate rejected him because he has schizophrenia." Changbin couldn't help but gasp at that, hearing Hyunjin do the same.

"Yeah, I know," Jisung chuckled humourlessy, but then a fond smile appeared on his face while looked at the pink sky. "But he made me realize so many things....Everything could have been so fucking simple," Jisung disheveled his hair with his hand.

"The only thing I had to do was listen to Minho and accept you, Hyunjin, but now Minho is gone. And I hate myself for my egoism. That's all my fault, I know it. So, the only thing I can do now is take care of Felix, because he's completely alone, he doesn't even have family, while I have my dad. He's disgusted with everything that happened to me, but at least he pays for my medical treatment, I don't need anything else." 

"So, Hyunjin, Changbin-hyung," Jisung called for them once again, as if asking for extra attention. "I don't even know what I can do to make it up to you. But I truly am sorry," he tried to looked them in the eyes again. "No words can fix it, and I can't ask for forgiveness, but thank you so much for listening to my apology."

"Just be happy," Hyunjin was very quick to reply, making Jisung jerk his head abruptly. "I forgive you, Jisung."

"What?!" Jisung and Changbin asked at the same time. Again, it seemed to the older that Hyunjin said it without thinking once again, but something told Seo that Hyunjin contemplated a lot before saying it.

"Even though I had some...rough time... because of you...I was in completely different position," Hyunjin started, looking directly at Jisung. "I didn't get attached too deeply to any of you."

"You didn't?" Changbin half-teased Hyunjin and the latter rolled his eyes.

"Okay, I got attached to Minho. And I miss him a lot. Have missed him ever since the moment you told me to back away," Hyunjin stated and Jisung winced. "But I knew it would be much harder for you to deal with the fact he's not here with us anymore. You spent almost your whole life with him. I got to be around for real for only about a month. And I always had Changbin by my side."

"Are you guys..." Jisung narrowed his eyes.

"We're dating," Hyunjin replied shortly.

"I'm happy for you, I truly am," Jisung nodded, as if confirming his words.

"I believe you. And I'm happy you have Felix. He's lucky to have you," Hyunjin gave Jisung a wry smile, and Changbin was almost on the verge of tears. The mood between all of them felt so light it felt like a fantasy.

"I'm lucky to have him," Jisung smiled back. "By the way...would you like to...visit Minho with me tomorrow? Both of you? Tomorrow's gonna be a year since his passing," Han gave two other boys a hopeful look.

"Can we?" Hyunjin asked, probably not believing his ears. Changbin noticed the glimmers of the liveliness that was natural to Hyunjin a year ago. Something magical was really happening here.

"Yes! I'm sure Minho would be glad to see you come," Jisung smiled sadly but fondly, and after that all three boys fell into a comfortable conversation. 

Changbin shared more about his internship. Hyunjin mentioned something about his studies as well. Jisung told them that he had to take an academical year, but was planning to go back to studying. He also talked about Felix a lot and that endeared Hyunjin and Changbin. 

Hyunjin was all excited about visiting Minho after Changbin and he returned home, but really going there the next day, really walking the loamy path in the cemetery that lead to Minho's grave was unbearable. Hyunjin felt suffocated and extremely sorrowful.

"You're here!" Jisung exclaimed when he noticed Hyunjin and Changbin. 'How come he's so happy about being here?' Hyunjin wondered in his head.

Boys made their way towards Minho's grave and once they came up to it, Changbin put a neat bouquet of flowers next to it. Hyunjin felt overwhelmed, his mind was a mess of rueful thoughts.

"You know guys," Changbin suddenly said, "I guess I'll give you some time alone and wait for you up there?"

"Why are you going?" Hyunjin didn't understand why Changbin decided to leave them right now when Hyunjin needed him so bad. The boy was terrified.

"You need to talk to Minho, right Jisung?"

"Yeah," another boy agreed, smiling and turning to face the marble plate, and Changbin started to walk away, leaving confused and scared Hyunjin there.

"Hi, dear," Jisung greeted someone, startling Hyunjin. "Sorry I haven't visited you for a while. You know they made me stay in the hospital for some time."

Hyunjin was staring at Jisung for a few moments until he realised that the boy was talking to Minho. Hyunjin was ready to cry.

"Just look who came with me today. It's Hyunjin!" Jisung put his hand on the plate. "I finally brought him here, like you wanted. I did it," Jisung sniffled, whispering, and Hyunjin panicked. "You believed in me even though I didn't," Jisung sniffled once again and Hyunjin guessed he was crying, sensing tears welling up un his eyes as well. "You told me one day I'd meet him and we would reconcile. We reconciled, right, Hyunjin?" Han suddenly asked him.

"Uh, y-yeah," Hyunjin started, feeling completely lost.

"I miss you every day, honey," Jisung regained his posture and stood right beside Hyunjin. The latter noticed a tear glisten in Han's cheek. "I'm still thinking and dreaming of you all the time. And it's painful, you know it. I know I'm the only to blame here," Jisung ducked his head and stayed silent for a moment. Hyunjin felt awkward and anxious and didn't know what to do with himself. 

"Don't you wanna say anything to Minho?" Jisung suggested. 

Hyunjin jerked his head, not intending to talk before, but now he felt the need to, "Uh...sure."

He took a step closer to the plate. "Hello, hyung," Hyunjin almost choked on those words. "I'm sorry." And he just broke down, giving the way to tears. "I'm sorry for being such a coward and never visiting you. I didn't even visit you funeral. I thought I wouldn't have made it. I'm still mad at myself for that," Hyunjin exhaled shakily. "I'm actually so glad I met Jisung. Thanks to him I'm here now. I was so afraid just a few minutes ago. I'm so sorry, hyung, I'm so stupid," Hyunjin was fully crying now, but his voice remained steady. 

The boy licked his chapped lips and continued, "I'm still not over the day I last saw you. Your words keep replaying in my head. I think I loved you, hyung," Hyunjin whimpered. "But not the way Jisung did. It was something else, I'm sure you felt it, too. You were so precious to me, you still are," Hyunjin sobbed this time and he felt Jisung pat his shoulder. 

_Loves_ , two boys suddenly heard a painfully familiar voice. The looked at each other, not believing in that it was happening for real.

 _You can't imagine how happy I am now that you've visited me together_ , the voice kept calling for them. It definitely belonged to Minho. That melodic, soothing, peculiar voice. The boys were petrified. 

_Jisung, baby_. Jisung jerked his head at that. _I'm so glad you found Felix. This boy is gonna be your salvation, believe me. Keep him close and never let go, and he wouldn't leave you, too._

 _And Hyunjinnie, sweetheart_. Hyunjin rubbed his eyes, but tears kept falling. _Seeing you with Changbinnie makes me immensely contented. I know how happy and secure he makes you feel, and you do just the same for him. Take care of each other._

Suddenly both boys felt a light weight on their shoulders, as if someone was hugging them. Hyunjin thought he would collapse right there.

_My dear soulmates, my loves._

_Now I can finally find peace thanks to both of you. Now I know that you found your loved once. You won't be alone in this cruel world._

_I was the happiest to be your soulmate, no matter what we had to face. Jisung, I spent almost all my life with you, and that was the best gift from fate. Hyunjin, even though we didn't know each other for long, I got to experience your warmth and affection._

_Remember, I will always love you. And I will always be somewhere near you, asking fate to be kind to you, dears._

_Sungie, Jinnie. Thank you for letting me go. I'm gonna be okay, I promise. Goodbye, loves._

And the weight was gone. Hyunjin and Jisung turned to face each other, their eyes full of tears, and they hugged tightly, crying their hearts out.

In a few hours Hyunjin was staring blankly through the car window while Changbin was driving them to his mother's house in the countryside. 

Hyunjin and Jisung agreed to stay in touch. Han even promised to introduce them to Felix, and Hwang was excited about it, but talking to Minho, sensing his presence, had drained Hyunjin completely. So, now he felt immensely weak and was glad Changbin didn't ask anything and didn't talk at all. He didn't even turn the radio on, knowing Hyunjin would just want to listen to the calming sound of the rain from the outside. 

Once the boys arrived to their destination, Changbin's mother went out to greet them, radiating warm and domestic energy. Hyunjin just couldn't help but catch her vivid mood as it was too contagious to resist. They spent the whole together chatting, cooking and walking by the sea. This place became a new home for Hyunjin, and he started call those people his family. Moreover, Changbin's mother treated Hyunjin like her own son, and probably even more motherly, was it whethere because Hyunjin was younger or because she was awared he had no-one except for Seo family. 

When the night finally swallowed the town, Changbin and Hyunjin settled in a small stuffy bedroom on the second floor, that was lit up with a fait silvery moonlight. They were lying on the bed, enjoying being alone with each other. Hyunjin wrapped his limbs around Changbin like a koala bear, and the older had one arm put behind his head and was hugging Hyunjin with another one.

"How was today?" Changbin wanted to check on Hyunjin.

"Exhausting," Hyunjin replied shortly, hoping it would suffice. He was indeed tired, but he felt an urge to talk for some reason. He felt lightheaded. "But I finally feel...free?"

"Free?"

"Yeah...Minho said we let him go, and I reconciled with Jisung. And I guess we're on good terms now. It was probably all I needed to finally feel relieved."

"Good," Changbin whispered. 

"Wait. How come you're not surprised Minho talked to us?" Hyunjin lifted his body a bit, leaning on his forearm, to have a better look at Changbin's amused face. 

"Seungmin talked to me, too, when I let him go," Changbin smiled.

"Do you miss him?"

"Stupid question," Changbin rolled his eyes.

"Hyu-ung," Hyunjin whined, pouting, so Changbin looked at him with a serious expression. 

"He was my everything," the older said quietly, "Of course, I miss him. It was wonderful to have him. He was my soulmate, Hyunjin."

"Right," Hyunjin lowered his head, staying in the same position. 

"Why?" Changbin shifted, so that now he was in a sitting position, so Hyunjin switched in the smae pose.

"I'm just...so happy I have you, but at the same time I miss Minho so much," Hyunjin looked away.

"It's okay, Jinnie. That's how soulmate work," Changbin smiled softly.

"I love you, hyung," Hyunjin suddenly said after a moment of silence. Changbin just stared at the younger, carefully reaching for the strand of black hair to brush it off Hyunjin's face, but Hyunjin noticed something and grabbed the older's hand.

"Hyung, look! What's this?" Hyunjin and Changbin both eyed a neat circle, lacing Seo's middle finger. The mark was slightly illuminating in the dark, emitting a soft yellowish light.

"Hey, you have the same!" Changbin exclaimed, noticing the same circle on Hyunjin's finger.

"What does that mean?" Hyunjin's heart was beating rapidly in his chest. 

"Fate finally decided to be nice to us, Jinnie," Changbin laughed and kissed shocked Hyunjin, making them both fall on the pillows.

It was still hard for Jisung to wrap his mind about what had happened in the cemetery. Minho had indeed say goodbye which meant no more dreams where they could chat, no more occasional thoughts of Minho where they could for real talk. Minho was gone for real. And Jisung didn't know how to feel about it.

He stepped into the apartment, being met with domestic Felix, who was munching a cookie happily.

"How was it?" He asked cheerfully.

"Minho talked to us," Jisung smiled mysteriously, and Felix ducked his head to the side, reminiscing a curious puppy.

"Talked? What did he say?"

"That he was happy we let him go," Jisung put his shoes off and came closer to Felix.

"Did you really do that?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I did. He knows about you, and he's happy we have each other," Jisung told Felix.

"I'm happy we have each other, too," Felix smiled brightly. "Will he talk to you again?" 

"I don't think so. Why?" Jisung was amused by Felix's naivety now. 

"I wanted you to tell him he's a nice guy," Felix answered, letting out a frustrated sigh. Jisung just laughed brightly. 

"I'm sure he heard you."

"He did?!" Felix got alarmed and before he could started to ask something else, Jisung embraced Felix's shoulders with his arm.

"Let's go watch something together. By the way, Hyunjin wanted to meet you..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, my dear reader!   
> i'm so sorry i delayed the update for almost a month, i didn't have neither time nor inspiration to write, but i just sat down and had this chapter finished in 2 days 
> 
> so, this is the end!!! i feel very sad, having to say goodbye to this work, it is very precious to me, i've put lots of effort into it, so i really hope you enjoyed it
> 
> please!!!!! leave a comment to let me know what you think! i would really love to read your thoughts about how everything turned out
> 
> thank you for staying with me♡


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